Superbowl XXXVIII: Break 02

"Nothing Goes Better with Leftovers..." | Pepsi

Summary: Bears, possibly kodiaks, rummage
for "leftovers" in a hunting cabin. When they find the
Pepsi's all gone, they go buy some.

High Point: The bear noises, hands down.

Low Point: The bears holding an empty plastic six-
pack ring, the kind that killed all the sea turtles in the
'80s.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and
democratic Iraq? Yes; remember, plastic litter
kills.

"The Power of Four" | Schick Quattro

Summary: Attractive, well-shaved man earns our trust by accurately summarizing the history of razors (one blade, then two, then three), then feigns incredulity at the notion of a four-bladed razor — only to reveal that not only does such a razor exist, but that razor is superior to razors with fewer blades. A digitally rendered Schick Quattro illustrates his point.

High point: The mental whiplash at the revelatory moment — when our square-jawed hero revealed the truth about the Quattro — will not be soon forgotten.

Low point: The Quattro's slogan, "The Power of Four," demands that potential customers buy four of their product rather than just one. Too greedy. Oh, wait — "four" probably refers to the number of blades. Never mind. That was another high point.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? It will build a more clean-shaven Iraq. Iraqi men, who are bearded by necessity rather than choice, will greet the Schick Quattro as a liberator.

"Overbudget" | Van Helsing

Summary: Hugh Jackman plays a retro-futuristic superhero battling werewolves, vampires, Frankenstein and other monstrosities.

High point: Jackman has finally realized that mutants are inhuman monsters, and must be killed. Welcome back to civilization, Hugh!

Low point: The narrator notes that "This summer, evil has one name to fear. Hugh Jackman is ... Van Helsing." That's four names.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? The introductory voiceover — "He has come to a forbidden land, to battle enemies that are legend." — might well have been written by President Bush himself. To the extent that this approach is a good way to build stable democracies, this commercial will help.

"Fast Bikers" | AOL 9.0

Summary: Giant, hairy bikers with fast, crazy motorcycles argue about stuff and jump their bikes over other stuff. They sport wicked 'staches. A very, very tenuous connection is then made between their high-speed antics and the performance of AOL, which you probably know as your grandmother's introductory Internet software.

High Point: The ballsiness of using a cuddly, generally accepted American teddy bear — the biker stereotype — as a shorthand for "tough."

Low Point: The suggestion that AOL qualifies as "software."

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? No, not really. In any way.

"The Ultimate Showdown" | "Survivor All-Stars"

Summary: A new "Survivor" episode will bring together the winners of the previous "Survivors."

High point: The titling displayed nuance and flair.

Low point: One contestant tells a camera man that "all these different styles of play are going to come together," which is, in itself, unremarkable. But that an editor thought this was worth airing at $100,000 per second is very remarkable. And profoundly depressing.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Yes. "Survivor" invites us all to celebrate the tenacity of the human spirit. What could inspire a fledgling democracy more than that?

"Fat Guy Gets 'Waxed'" | Bud Light

Summary: A fat guy, in a spa, goes for a "body treatment" from a small, hot woman. He sexily suggests that he's all ready for her "full body treatment." She rips off his pubic hair.

High Point: The envelope-pushing "use your imagination" sound effect.

Low Point: The witless American "Battle of the Sexes" trope that keeps getting hauled out to sell just about everything.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? No. It will confuse and frighten Iraqi men, much as it has confused and frightened American men.

"Names of Very Popular Entertainers" | The Grammys

Summary: Britney Spears, OutKast and a number of other best-selling artists of today are yelled out in sequence.

High Point: The continuing maintenance of the "Grammys are a real award" kabuki farce.

Low Point: The yawning cultural black hole implied by the ad.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Only if deadening the Middle East's cultural sensibilities is what needs to be done to pave the way for representative democracy.