Superbowl XXXVIII: Break 01

"This is the One" | Ford GT

Summary: A Ford GT squeals around a race track as a narrator challenges your manhood. He asks questions: "In what gear do you know nothing can catch you? In what gear do you know it's the one?" Those of us who drove our Festivas to Super Bowl parties are, um … looking around nervously.

Low Point: Those of us with money on the Pats are still reeling from that field goal miss.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Yes. If the Iraqis learn anything today, it's that they must establish the run. If they learn anything else, it's the importance of a good hoopty. So begineth the lesson.

"The Pansy and the Lumberjack" | Bud Light

Summary: So your manhood is taking a beating tonight, sport. A preppy and a sort of rugged, woodsy-looking fellow are outdoors. With dogs. They challenge one another's dogs to a battle of tricks. The sweater/khaki guy's dog — Piper — fetches a Bud Light from a cooler. (Clever fag.) The tough dude's dog — a mutt — assaults the preppy, stealing the beverage.

Low Point: When you see the Bud Light midway through the ad, you know you're about to cringe.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Yes. Surely when the Iraqis see that the average American hates Nancy-boys, they'll yearn to vote, run for office, drink beer.

"Why Don't We Use FedEx?" | FedEx

Summary: Two employees of a random company identify a coworker as an alien 'cause, well, he has gills, flippers and a deadly sort of tail. The alien repeats "Why don't we use FedEx?" as a mantra. Naturally, the boss pops his head in the office, hears the suggestion, loves the alien.

High Point: Ads ridiculing middle managers are 100 percent high point, essentially.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Yes. Again, the Iraqis will be awed by American ingenuity. Not only by capturing a badass alien, but by teaching him to repeat an advertising slogan. They want some of this.

"What the Fuck is a Hammy? (Hammie? Hami?)" | Dodge Magnum

Summary: A guy walks around with a monkey, literally, on his back. The monkey beats his head as our everyman hero shaves; the monkey rides him as he golfs. Why the monkey? "I'm looking for a family car that's cool." Aren't we all. That's so you.

Will this commercial help build a more stable and democratic Iraq? Do they use the "monkey on my back" cliché in the Middle East? If they don't get it, they'll think we're patronizing monkeys. And who wants to embrace that?