Super Bowl XXXVII: Break 9

"Don Cheadle" | NFL

Summary: Don Cheadle has been called many things in his career. Now he can add "pandering poetic shill" to his resume as he waxes poetic about Richard Gere, hamsters and football, while using the word "crazy," over and over again.

High Point: The background rising on what I think is Qualcomm Stadium. It's as if the clips of Bengals getting squished didn't already clue me in that this is about football.

Will this commercial save our failing economy? English majors will fuel an increase in NFL viewership next season, only to be sorely disappointed as the "slams" in NFL games are not poetry-related.

"Jimmy Kimmel Live" | "Jimmy Kimmel Live"

Summary: An ad for another sacrificial lamb to the late-night slaughter. Nothing really to note in particular, only a snippet of former "Man Show" co-host Adam Corolla as Don King. I think I'd prefer Girls on Trampolines.

High Point: The end. Anything involving Jimmy Kimmel without girls on trampolines is worthless.

Economic impact: None. See above.

"The Practice" |ABC's "The Practice"

Summary: The self-important parade continues in what looks like a formulaic typical ad for this all-too-serious courtroom drama. Something dramatic will happen, I assure you. Just don't expect me to watch it, though.

High Point: Ummmmmm....... Next question.

Economic impact: Most Super Bowl viewers will be in some sort of courtroom at some point, from traffic court to family court. Good to get some practice in at "The Practice."

"Here's to the Remote" | Coors Light

Summary: This is the single most honest ad in the history of television. Period. It's a fast forward/stop/rewind manipulation of a Coors Light ad with the Coors Twins. The emphasis of the stops: Take a guess. No, go on, take a wild guess.

High Point: Two large-breasted scantily clad twins, which, by the way, is the answer to my query above.

Economic impact: I'll still be sucking down Coors, but I am still waiting for my "derivatives" from the Coors Twins. Or is that a "Commodities" market? [My finance friend says the above is a non sequitur, but not in "a good non sequitur way."]

"Grandma" | Ford Explorer

Summary: Want to find a viable solution to the graying of America? Fold them into the cargo bay of a 2003 Ford Explorer, that's what. Grandma's yapping in the back, the poor guy's in a rut, what's he gonna do? This ad was probably sponsored by the GOP.

High Point: The car. It was a pretty nice car.

Economic impact: Estate planners are looking at this ad with glee. Please, please do not show this at nursing homes.

— Luciano D'Orazio (loudogs1@aol.com)

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