Superbowl XXXVII: Break 16
"Tunnel of Trees" | My FICO Lenders
Summary: You are driving through suburbia. Suburbia is sunny. People are smiling.
Lots of families — at first, all white, but gradually more ethnically
diverse — are standing around, looking well-groomed. Suddenly, you're aware that
you're viewing a commercial pitching a completely forgettable financial service.
The commercial ends. You wake up. It was just a dream.
"It's a DVD" | "The Osbournes" DVD
Summary: Ozzy Osbourne, the new national godfather of benign disorientation,
is seriously befuddled by the idea that the TV show of his family's antics is now
available on DVD. While he is thereby completely out-of-tune with the financial forces
that call for the existence of said DVD, Osbourne may be more in touch with reality than
pretty much anyone who orders the product.
High Point: Just the beautiful simplicity of Osbourne's eponymous "It's a DVD" line.
Even repeated, it retains a sort of golden gloss of genius.
Will this ad save our flagging economy? The auto industry is largely controlled by the Japanese. Big steel is dead. Microsoft's monopoly cannot remain intact forever.
But America will always have "The Osbournes," a TV franchise with more annual profit
than Bulgaria has GDP. Hats off to this whimsical family of japesters!
"Let the Beating of the Suspects Continue" | "The New Dragnet"
Summary: The same "Dragnet" commercial, aired yet again. Make sure you listen to "The City of Crime" in full — it's some seriously good East Coast whiteboy rap/metal/pop. You might think: Tom Hanks can't rap/sing! Nor can Aykroyd! Your brain is right, but your heart will dig the grooves.
"People Who Drink Our Beer Are Sexy, Fashionable, Healthy" | Miller Lite
Summary: Slow-motion camera work, a sensual soundtrack and the presence of a lot
of filter-tinted B-league models combine to form an ad that would make even the most jaded
of epicureans tingle with pleasure. Unfortunately, the product being pitched is yet another
American watery macro-brew, albeit one with "2.6 carbs." Atkins dieters, tilt your heads back!
Suck the hose of Miller Brewing!
High Point: The illogical juxtaposition of health statistic, sensual, poorly lit
mostly nude models and bad beer.
Economic impact: The health-care industry will probably get a much needed stimulus
as health nuts inundated by several months of the Miller Light Diet start to report to their
local medical centers by the thousands.
"Un Maitre" | The Tennis Masters
Summary: Slowly swinging racquets and scrolling text from a host of Western European
languages leave viewers deeply impressed with the majesty and sophistication of this ancient sport. Aw, who are we kidding: It's a ball that goes thock while being whacked back and forth for hours.
High Point: The slurred, drunken conclusion that because the text says "Un Maitre" for a
moment, tennis stars have the power to get you good tables at fancy restaurants.
Economic impact: Pretty frickin' great, if you happen to own a tennis resort.
This won't be the Bush administration's magic bullet, however. Look
for a strong upturn
in the musical entertainment sector to provide that.
— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com)
