Super Bowl XXXVII: Break 14
"Office Max: Beyond Thunderdome" | Reebok
Summary: A personnel coordinator explains how helpful hiring a football player can
be as a productivity motivator — which is to say, big burly men throw pencil necks
into collapsible cubicles.
Highlight: The bruiser pauses to offer a "Hi, Janice" to an employee walking past one of
his "pep talks." Worth noting is that this highlight was actually intended to be a highlight
by the admakers, showing a rare confluence of creator/critic opinion.
Will this ad save our flagging economy? Increasing the numbers of workers compensation claims gives money not only to workers, but also to those no-retainer lawyers.
"Creature Teck" | Bud Light
Summary: Former "Real World" star Teck explains his reasons for having added a third arm to a suspicious date. He notes his prowess in carrying Buds back from the barkeep, but fails to mention that the third arm goes limp after his second round.
Highlight: It's nice to see the guy from Total Recall after his taxi stint went sour.
Economic Impact: Three-armed workers will no doubt increase productivity, but the carpal tunnel claims are going to be through the roof.
"ESPN.com Alternative" | Superbowl.com
Summary: Hopefully you didn't try to access this website during the game; the promised stats were unavailable because MIT scientists' pressure-differential algorithms were
unable to compensate for the magnitude with which the Raiders sucked.
"Deaf and Dumb" | Budweiser
Summary: A Bud drinker sits watching football over the shoulder of his
gossippy girlfriend. She compliments him on his listening skills, rather than becoming
upset at his ignorance of her cattiness. Oh, it's soooo true.
Highlight: How incredibly old-looking the TV is. The ad
producers obviously blew all their wad on airtime, not plasma screens.
Admittedly, blowing your wad on a plasma screen is more of a Miller Lite thing.
Economic Impact: At this rate, women are going to stop drinking
beer on principle by August or September. Expect the wine cooler industry to boom around then.
"Fanaticisms" | ESPN
Summary: In a faux-documentary manner, fans of various sports teams give their opinions on their adopted athletes and franchises' chance of success. It speaks to true fandom: a lone man talking to himself on street corners or in cabs.
Highlight: It's always refreshing to see a dealer enable his junkies.
Economic Impact: Does anyone have a stabler, steadier, more self-perpetuating audience that ESPN? And is there any more redundant time for them to advertise?
"Leaving Behind" | Cadillac
Summary: The butt-ugly new CTS, which re-envisions The Boat for a new generation,
speeds down a country road, creating a vortex in its wake that, as its emerges from a tunnels,
spews forth a cloud of leaves, road signs and, quite possibly, squirrels. In other, less subtly
stated, words: The new CTS really, really, really, really blows.
Highlight: Contemplating the confluence of pure forms: A box, with wheels!
Economic Impact: The government will no longer have to pay for tunnel cleaning,
apparently, which would save taxpayers billions.
— Sean Weitner (sean@flakmag.com)
— Dan Norton)
— Andy Ross (apross@earthlink.net)
more ads! ›
