Superbowl XXXVII: Break 13

"The Horrors of the Future" | Cadillac

Summary: In one of the evening's most artfully executed ads, a sepia-toned 1930s guy takes a ride on a subway, and, through the magic of art-deco Cadillac ads and the implicit presence of absinthe, hallucinates a series of horrible Cadillac cars, each blockier and more ugly than the last. The ad terminates with the sort of SUV Satan might drive over the bodies of the damned who pave Hell's Driveway. Ironically, the elegance and efficiency of the subway is more effectively conveyed than the visual and practical appeal of driving a Cadillac.

High Point: The segue from Cadillac ad on the wall to ever-accelerating Cadillac ads providing a stroboscopic effect is really smooth and engaging. Technically speaking, a very nice ad.

Will this commercial save our failing economy? Not if the auto sector plays a role in its health.

"We're Flogging this Show to Death" | "Miracles"

Summary: Watch "Miracles," on ABC, or you will miss the cultural event of a century. The possible emergence of the world's most irritating trend in commercial advertising: Running 15 5-second spots over the course of several hours.

"The Youngest Grandparents in Town" | Don't Smoke the Drugs

Summary: Two people — apparently parents-to-be — grimly consider a pregnancy test. Looks like the rabbit died, and that, in this case, is a bad thing. Then: Pan the camera over to their white, middle-class 15-year-old daughter. There is a pause, and then the shocking realization — this innocent young woman is pregnant! How did this horror come to pass? Here's how: "Smoking marijuana impaired her judgment."

High Point: Any anti-drug commercial that relies on Reefer Madness-style fear-mongering is a high point unto itself. Young people across the country are brought together by the healing power of scornful laughter. Whether we're club kids, rudeboys, hackers, emo fans or raging neo-hippies, we can all agree on one thing: Adults are totally square.

Economic Impact: It appears that the "War on Drugs" rages unabated, incarcerating millions of nonviolent offenders and converting tens of thousands of low-grade criminals into hardened felons. As such, it can't be anything but good news for the market!

"Hoo-Hah!" | The Recruit

Summary: The latest CIA film markets "The Agency" as a hip, edgy, dangerous, somewhat out-of-control paramilitary arm of the government. In reality, it appears to be mostly deskbound analysts who are consistently frustrated by the overwhelming political power of the Defense Department. Which makes for the better Al Pacino vehicle? Count the explosions; the answer is implicit.

(It's "B.")

"Yo Cocino Con George" | The George Foreman Grill

Summary: People all over the US — even Spanish speaking children with gigantic doe eyes — agree that the iMac-styled Foreman grill is the right way to cook.

High Point: Every second that lovable George Foreman dominates the screen with his benevolent bulk.

Economic Impact: Quite positive. The commercial made me feel safe, sleepy, and hungry. This bodes well for just about everyone.

"Ass in a Bikini Bottom" | "Are You Hot?"

Summary: After reeling off a couple stuffy categories for how people can be evaluated (IQ of 180, world-class musician, etc.) this sassy ad goes and drops a thong-bikined ass on the viewers' unsuspecting peepers. Damn! "Are You Hot?" is the question that spawned the show, a show that promises to investigate ... well ... hmm. Something pretty darn oily, that's for sure.

High Point: The aforementioned sudden Appearance of the Ass. "Miracles" could learn a lot from this.

Economic Impact: Consumer confidence, formerly flaccid, is expected to pick up and stiffen. Oh, Lord. Forgive me for that. It was so easy. And I'm so tired. So ... tired ... of the ads.

Stiffen, and then explode with economic vitality!

— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com)

more ads! ›