Super Bowl XXXVII: Break 1

"Budweiser Clydesdales" | Budweiser

Summary: A repeating scene of Clydesdales on tape. Pan to a zebra, looking down at an instant replay machine as the Clydesdales stand on the "sidelines" of a faux football field. An homage to the fine work of today's NFL referees.

High Point: Banter between two cowboys on the sidelines: Cowboy 1: "Jackass." Cowboy 2: "No, I believe that's a zebra." Hilarious for its simplicity.

Will this commercial save our failing economy? Will hurt the draft beer sales. If we can't trust officials to properly call Clydesdales, who can we trust? Wait for long delivery times for beer kegs.

"Celine Dion" | Daimler-Chrysler

Summary: Our favorite Quebecois songbird is at it again, this time in a new Chrysler Crossfire as it rockets around the rocky terrain. Simple and pointless.

Low Point: When the ad pans on Celine's Canadian face in the car. No foreigner should be so involved in a Super Bowl ad.

Economic impact: Will need to rethink the NAFTA agreement. What's next, a mariachi band selling sneakers?

"Quizno's Ad" | Quizno's

Summary: Quizno's expert is content with going from place to place to find the perfect ingredients to the perfect sub. I don't know if they spent 3 million or 3 C-notes. Maybe the latter.

High Point: Quizno's staff usurps the glory for the perfect sub. Hey, they were probably roped into getting those ingredients anyway.

Economic impact: None, since nobody I know goes to Quizno's, we can't find one and the money they spent on the ad should've been spent on local advertising.

"Ozzy" | Pepsi Twist

Summary: The ubiquitous Pepsi ad, wherein Ozzy Osbourne, once again fiddling with a garbage bag, encounters his little hellions introducing Pepsi Twist. Kids magically turn into the Osmonds, which causes Ozzy to rightfully wake from his nightmare. Waking up next to Florence Henderson, well, he can live with that.

High Point: Ozzy's look of shock as the Osmonds sing "I'm a little bit country ..." The most coherent he's ever been.

Economic impact: Makes all non-capitalist systems not only stupid, but irrelevant. God and Satan are on our side.

"Cast Away" | FedEx

Summary: A spoof of the film Cast Away that made FedEx famous. A desert island survivor arrives at a house, ready to deliver a package he has kept unopened for years on that isle. Upon inquiry as to the contents, he discovers it's the survival gear he would've needed to get back.

High Point: The Christ-on-the-Cross look of the survivor as he sees the cell phone, GPS, etc., from the box. It's both angelic and stupid.

Economic impact: Improved economic development of deserted South Seas islands. The last thing we need is more bearded smelly layabouts.

— Luciano D'Orazio (loudogs1@aol.com)