Beanballs over Baghdad
by Andy Behrens

The Montréal Expos have to move, this much we know. Where to relocate the ballclub remains an open issue for Major League Baseball despite this week's announcement that the team will play another 22 "home" games in San Juan, Puerto Rico for the 2004 season.

The recently liberated people of Iraq are agitated, this much we also know. How, exactly, to pacify them remains an open issue for the U.S. government despite the recent capture of Saddam Hussein.

In all of human history, have two such galactically overwhelming problems ever arisen with such magical synchronicity, each presenting an obvious solution to the other? No, indeed they have not. If we expect the Iraqis to embrace democracy, we should expose them to democracy's most American manifestation: baseball. Let the citizens taste democratic reform as they snag foul balls.

The Expos should move to Baghdad.

It's a giant leap in the globalization of baseball, and a bold statement of American commitment in the Middle East. It's also good television waiting to happen.

Jon Miller: "Greetings baseball fans, glad you're with us. Welcome to Al-Sha'ab Stadium. We're here for the finale of a three-game series between the Chicago Cubs and the Baghdad Expos. Jon Miller alongside my partner, Hall of Famer Joe Morgan. You're watching a special presentation of ESPN's 'Sunday Night Baseball.'

"Of course, it's Monday morning here in Baghdad."

Joe Morgan: "That's right. But in America it's Sunday, so here we are. I was talking to Dusty Baker about it during batting practice. The Cubs are going to take a charter flight out of Baghdad International Airport after the game, with a military fighter escort, and they'll have a layover in London before returning to O'Hare. In Chicago, it's going to be Monday morning all over again.

"I said to Dusty, 'That's like having Monday twice.' But he pointed out that it was an extra day of rest for Mark Prior, which means he can start Tuesday against the Cardinals — which is Wednesday for the Expos — and that's great news for the Cubs."

Jon: "That's why Dusty Baker is a Manager of the Year candidate every season, Joe. He works all the angles. It's 105 degrees as we approach game time, and we're expecting a high of 118."

Joe: "But it's a dry heat. Like Phoenix. The Cubs play a lot of day baseball, so they won't be bothered by the hot weather."

Jon: "You and I were speaking with Frank Robinson, the Expos' manager, who said he'd lost 35 pounds in the desert heat since April."

Joe: "Frank was a big man, though. I know he'd already tried Atkins. His wife sure isn't complaining about the weight loss. (Chuckles) We want to say hello to Barbara, watching at home tonight."

Jon: "Tomo Ohka finishes his warm-up tosses and we're ready for the opening pitch here at Al-Sha'ab. The players call it 'The Al.' There's a breaking ball on the outside corner, strike one to Corey Patterson. Small crowd today. A few hundred curious fans in attendance. Many of them wearing Expos hats, though."

Joe: "Today's a big Muslim holiday. You'd think people would have the day off from work and maybe want to take in a ballgame."

Jon: "That's right, it's Mawlid Al-Nabi, the Prophet Mohammed's birthday. You know, the Holy Messenger was born over 1,400 years ago, Joe, back when you were just a rookie with Houston. (Laughter) But seriously, we'd like to wish a very happy Mohammed's birthday to fans around the world. A fastball misses and it's 1-and-1 to Patterson."

Joe: "Today is also Mohammed bobblehead day at the ballpark. If fans are in the neighborhood, they should stop by and pick one up. Can we get a shot of this? (Holds up a plastic figurine, its head nodding slightly.) I think it's actually Vladimir Guerrero, but they put one of those, whatchcall — they put a toga on him."

Jon: "That's a great collectible to celebrate a very holy day, Joe. Patterson smashes a foul ball past third, 1-and-2 the count..."

No less an American than Walt Whitman said, "I see great things in baseball. It's our game — the American game. It will take people out of doors, fill them with oxygen, give them a larger physical stoicism. Tend to relieve us from being a nervous, dyspeptic set. Repair these losses, and be a blessing to us."

Well, where better to repair our losses? Transplanting the Expos to Iraq won't be easy. The MLB player's union will balk, and there's the tricky question of who actually operates the team, the Pentagon, a Congressional sub-committee or the Office of Homeland Security?

Of course, a man who used baseball ownership as a stepping-stone to the presidency should find the answer to that one deliciously simple.

E-mail Andy Behrens at abehrens53 at hotmail dot com.

— graphic by Derek Evernden (derek@ocellus.net)