Briefcase-Holding Zombie Next Nominee for Supreme Court
by Aemilia Scott
WASHINGTON — An anonymous leak at the White House revealed today that Briefcase-Holding Zombie will likely be President Bush's next nominee to the Supreme Court.
During the selection process in August to fill Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's seat, Briefcase-Holding Zombie lost the nomination to John Roberts. Aides say that Bush felt Roberts had made fewer public statements and written decisions on so-called "litmus test" issues than had Briefcase-Holding Zombie.
With the vacancy left by the death of William Rehnquist, Briefcase-Holding Zombie was back on the short list. When questioned about the pending nomination, he only said, "UHHHHHHGGGGRRRRHHH!" He then ate the face of a man walking by.
"Well he's a perfect choice, when you think about it," said eminent legal advisor Cyrus Pearsall. "Just try to find a controversial decision with his name on it. It looks like he's been preparing for this hearing his whole life."
Briefcase-Holding Zombie graduated from Columbia Law School in 1971, and made a name for himself as a rising star of First Amendment law before he was attacked and bitten by a horde of zombies the New York subway system. Since then, Briefcase-Holding Zombie has been fighting for zombie civil rights, and eating live human brains, in the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals.
Democrats have been apprehensive about his past. "We have no record of any decision, written or oral, that can help us understand his politics," said Patrick Leahy, ranking Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee. "There aren't even any papers in his briefcase! He just walks around with the thing hanging open," Kennedy said.
Carol Moseley Braun was quick to come to Briefcase-Holding Zombie's defense. "Never in the history of this prestigious court has a zombie sat as equals with men, women and other members of the living." She said that while census-takers are not sure how many undead there are in America, "we must not let that stop us from enriching our courts with a diversity of opinions."
Briefcase-Holding Zombie responded by grabbing Senator Braun's ankles, pulling her to the ground, and reaching for her head. He added, "GLEHHH! GLIERRRHK!" Braun's aides were able to restrain Briefcase-Holding Zombie by shooting him in the chest.
Arlen Specter, ranking Republican on the Judiciary Committee, had glowing praise for Briefcase-Holding Zombie's career record. "Briefcase-Holding Zombie has been working for this his whole afterlife. He has been slowly — very slowly — approaching this court since 1971, and has never taken his eyes off the prize."
Specter corrected himself, remarking that Briefcase-Holding Zombie has only had one intact eye since his time on the Federal bench.
If he goes into hearings, Briefcase-Holding Zombie will likely be the Senate Judiciary Committee's toughest nominee yet. "He has never said anything that anyone has disagreed with," Cyrus Pearsall said.
In his nomination hearings for the Federal appellate court in 1991, his opening statement was a record 15 seconds long. "It was rhetorical genius unequaled in the law profession," Pearsall said.
Briefcase-Holding Zombie was confirmed unanimously after he devoured the liver of Ted Kennedy, who called into question his literal interpretation of the Constitution's Equal Protection Clause.
When asked on CNN's "360°" about his thoughts on stare decisis for politically charged cases such as Roe v. Wade, Briefcase-Holding Zombie responded, "Rhhhhhgggggllllrrrrrmmm! BRAAAAIIINS!" He then ripped out Andersen Cooper's trachea and ate it.
Standing over Cooper's Lifeless body, California Senator Barbara Boxer said, "He's obviously not Pro Life. I'm all for him."
E-mail Aemilia Scott at aemilia at gmail dot com.
