Reality TV Marks VE Day
By John Kropf

Just in time for the 60th anniversary of VE Day, television producers have whipped up a batch of new spring shows that's sure to please. Here's the line-up:

Queer Eye for the Teutonic Guy: The boys convince Field Marshal Paul von Hindenburg to do the unthinkable: give up that shiny spiked helmet and jodhpurs for a smart-looking black tunic with white piping and epaulets. The ensemble has a slimming affect.

This Old Bunker: Bob uses a common household pneumatic jackhammer to break up old reinforced concrete to brighten up a stuffy 60-year-old bunker.

Über Deutschland Idol: See what lucky contestant can sing their way to the top in all the Berlin Berlitz. Their prize: weekly addresses to the Allied troops on why they should give up.

Reichstag Reality: Reichsführer Himmler assigns his SS chief to follow his Gestapo chief while forgetting his earlier order that his Gestapo chief watch his SS chief. Hijinks ensue.

The Private: "You're fired!" takes on a new meaning to the Wehrmacht infantry during the Battle of Berlin.

Panzerfaust Factor: SS wannabes take the ultimate dare to prove their stuff and join the Stalinggrad chapter of the Polar Bear Club during January maneuvers on the Eastern Front.

The Simple Life: 1946: Paris and Nicole are forced to live on bits of coal, food scraps, rags and the generosity of GIs. The cute little dog is eaten in the series premiere.

General Curtis LeMay's Living: The father of strategic bombing gives tips on making your B-17 or Liberator feel more like a home with crafts, decorating tips and recopies. It's a good thing!

Werner Von Braun, Science Guy: Neat tricks with liquid nitrogen and V-2 rockets.

MTV's Spring Break-Though: Follow the antics of Allied teens as they roll up German armies in March and April '45.

Cooking with Sgt. Schultz: For the eighth week running, lovable Sergeant Schultz once again cooks up his old standby, bratwurst mit sauerkraut.

Pimp My Panzer: Renegade engineers customize their Hauptfeldwebel's staff car with a turbo diesel salvaged from a Tiger Tank.

Schadenfreude Survivor: Grand Admiral Karl Dönitz takes secret delight in Air Marshall Göring's Messerschmitt losses during the Battle of Britain. Find out who survives from the Thousand Year Reich to surrender to the Allies.

[or]

Survivor: South America: How long can former Nazi Party types hold out in Paraguay, Bolivia and elsewhere?

The Hamburg 500: It's dirigible vs. zeppelin dueling it out in this classic airship rivalry. Sure to be a real Reichstag burner.

E-mail John Kropf at kropferama at yahoo dot com.