Flak Magazine: Ambassador Tripplehorn to the Rescue!, 07-17-03

Thankfully, the Bush administration's approach to foreign policy affords the 20-year-old Mr. Tripplehorn a rare second chance — and a bright future. Safe within the bosom of the Rumsfeld/Wolfowitz dream machine, his command of rhetoric and sense of tact could enhance the administration's already deft and delicate touch on the international scene.

From: Ambassador Paul Kelly Tripplehorn Jr. [mailto:tripplehorny@state.gov]

To: Queen Beatrix, Head of State, The Netherlands

Subj: Add'l revisions to draft version of NATO charter amendment 4.919 (you suck)

Dear Queen Beatrix,

As of this afternoon, I was planning on ruining your country by making phone calls to all of President Bush's parents friends and have you blackballed from the North Atlantic Treaty Organization as well as every prestigous multilateral institution in the world, but then (lucky for you) I decided not to do that because you are a sad sad country and I will just let your international ties self destruct right before my eyes....

Holland, I am sorry, I don't care how big of a sadistic fucked up interest you have in strengthening bilateral ties with the US, but nations like us simply don't establish secure exclusive alliances with countries like you.

(You are an absolute hipocrit in everything that you do, I am not going to go into details why you are because that would be a waste of my time and yours.) I have told most all of the UN member states about our situation now and they already knew you were really messed you.

Now talking about how the US is obsessed with economic issues, we simply are not. You are. You always are trying to impress me by how much money you have and I don't care. The difference is though I talk about it but it is never about bragging and it is never directly about money, it is always directly about the conversation.

For instance, someone will ask, what are you doing for july 4rth. And then I will say I am going to Davos, Switzerland for the global economic forum. It is a simple fact that I am but since you don't have a standing diplomatic entree to the conference, you get offended because of your competitive nature.

When you talk about money you will say something like Saudi Arabia's crude oil export is 5 percent of your gross national product, thus my gross national product would be 125,000,000,000. Yea, The Netherlands you are right, I brag too much about what I have....

I have heard that you try to undermine other nations' foreign policy initiatives all the time that are better than you and every single time it does not work because trained diplomatic staffs can see through such shallowness and that is why as I have heard so many times, Most "everyone at the UN absolutely hates you." For instance even the nations that you thought were your allies like Poland or that country you met at the World Information Technology and Services Alliance, they hate you, they just never say anything.

Everyone knows you are a pathetic diplomatic climber who will go to any discusting means to move up the ladder. But guess what The Netherlands, you will never move up the ladder because I am at the top and people like me hate people like you. You might be able to trick people like me or maybe Vladimir Putin for maybe a month or so but your true personality comes through after a while and it is vile, if that. You have sooooo many nations that absolutely hate you and you will never know it because they will never say anything to your face.

You will not succeed in international relations and even the State Department thinks that also, after I told them about the things that you do. You suck! and good luck being miserable for the rest of your country's existence as a coherent national unit. I do not even know why I wasted my time typing this for suck slime. Everyone tells me that you are so beneath me (which you are) and I should not get worked up over suck trifles.

By the end of the day if I wanted to, I could make a phone call and have your various international policy initiatives absolutely ruined but there is no need because you are falling fast enough towards failure without me. In the end, all I can say is that people love me and people hate you. You should observe me and take a few notes on how to make real allies.

Other than you tieing this one other country (North Korea), I have never had such little respect for a nation-state in my life. I don't even have to tell you why because in my very accurate analysis that most everyone else agrees with, if you were to agree with my analyis about your character than my whole entire analysis would be wrong. Your inflamed ego has left you so blind and so impotent that you can nto even recognize the most obvious flaws in your own foreign policy.

All your old allies absolutely hated you and you still think the problem is with them, not you. Well I consulted with your allies and I thought they were stable, adequately developing nation-states. So naturally, you would not fit in with them because you are so above them all. Right? You suck at international relations and you need to figure out why or you will be miserable for the rest of your time on the international stage.

Once again from your economic, technological, diplomatic, and military superior,

Paul Kelly Tripplehorn Jr.
Ambassador to The Netherlands
US Department of State
"You should observe me and take a few notes"