The Five Worst Shark Encounters

The Discovery Channel named Underwater Adventures (at the Mall of America) the world's "Best Shark Encounter."

The advent of Shark Week 2008 raises the question: What did Discovery Channel name as the world's worst shark encounters?

#5: Ocean City, New Jersey — June 15, 1985

A pair of adult male grey nurse sharks belly flop up to an ice cream stand, sever the legs of a clerk, and consume more than 200 pounds of frozen novelty treats before flopping back into the surging tide.

#4: Corpus Christi, Texas — February 21, 1964

A tiger shark is spotted swimming away from a seaside accounting practice. Several months later, more than 250 tax returns from the firm are audited and found to be grossly fraudulent. The shark cannot be located or held accountable.

#3: Iowa City, Iowa — October 18, 2006

Employees at the University of Iowa report getting emails that, on the surface, appear complimentary, but are actually deeply cutting from an emotional perspective. I.e. a fat employee gets a flowery, extended compliment for having lost "a whole BUNCH of weight"; a well-known chronic body-odor sufferer gets credit for "breathing some much-needed fresh air" into a staff meeting of the Library Sciences department; a failed PhD student is congratulated for "significantly advancing scholarship relating to the study of early medieval Scandinavian tapestries... NOT."

An IP trace identifies a WiFi pocket right over Pelican Reef in Baja California — a known hangout for famously sarcastic leopard sharks.

#2: Boca Raton, Florida — March 15, 2001

SURFER: ...and another thing, anyone who says Mormonism isn't a cult is either a member of the church or paid off. If you look at the definition of "cult" in the dictionary, it's basically word-for-word a description of Mormonism.

BASKING SHARK: You know — uh, you know, both my parents were Mormon.

SURFER: Oh, I'm sorry — I didn't...

SHARK: Yeah, the fact that you didn't know doesn't make it less offensive, it makes it more offensive.

SURFER: How's that?

SHARK: You thought you could just get away with... look, forget it. You've revealed the kind of person you are, and let's just leave it at that.

SURFER: Well, wait, hang on...

SHARK: BIGOT!!!

#1: Awashima Marine Park, Shizuoka, Japan — January 10, 1999

A rare male frilled shark — known as a "living fossil" because of how little it has changed since prehistoric times — emerges from the water and says a number of patently insulting things about the emperor. It then departs.

Moments later, it reappears and opens its mouth as though to continue on its blasphemous tangent. But instead of additional words, the shark proceeds to swallow a Japanese fisherman whole, regurgitating only a partially-stripped skull, which it suggests the other fishermen can "put up the emperor's ass, which should be plenty big for this partially digested skull." It then leaves again, but not before leaning over the deck, throwing up a bunch of spicy nachos and giving everyone the finger.