The Thinking Man's Rebounder
by John Kropf

On May 4, the Washington Post reported on Page A1 that Washington Wizards Coach Eddie Jordan and President of Basketball Operations Ernie Grunfeld met with forward Kwame Brown. Grunfeld said afterward that "philosophical differences" forced the two sides to mutually agree that they were better off without each other.

Coach Jordan was asked to elaborate.

"Brown was using too much metaphysics under the boards. We've practiced logical positivism all year. Metaphysics just doesn't work with the Bulls — they're some of the best rationalists in the league."

Brown's teammate, center Aristotle Jones, said that during the regular season Brown was "hot-dogging it with his existential ball-handling.

"But that's simply not in our dialectic. Coach Jordan wanted us to keep it conservative with a utilitarian defense."

Brown has gotten into trouble before when he publicly claimed before the playoffs that his Cartesian dualism is a double threat against any team in the league. He failed a mandatory logic test last year when high doses of deconstructionism were detected in his thinking.

Coach Jordan did his post-doctoral work critiquing Descartes.

"Brown may be the finest metaphysician in the league but he's got to be a team player in our epistemology," Jones said.

"His sophistry was just getting too sloppy," said Ludwig Wittgenstein, a disappointed Wizards fan. "You could see it in his rebounding."

E-mail John Kropf at kropferama at yahoo dot com.