Flak Magazine: Pheasants Forever: A Practical Proposal, 11-07-07

Our charge, as it is understood by our membership at large, is to conserve pheasants, quail and other wildlife through habitat improvements, public awareness, education and land management policies and programs. And I think we, as hunters of pheasants and appreciators of wild America, can all understand the importance of this mission, to which we have devoted much time, money and energy since our founding in 1982.

But those of us who have been with Pheasants Forever since the beginning, and those of us who have stepped up our commitment to the ultimate level, understand that there are much more serious questions to which our organization must devote itself.

The first challenge, clearly, is the eventual extinction of Sol, the Earth's sun. This is not due to happen for four or five billion years, so we might be tempted to say: "This problem is not something that must be tackled on our watch. We can merely concern ourselves with the conservation of pheasant habitat, and the election of moderate Republican and conservative Democratic congressmen who will shoot at individual pheasants and therefore appreciate the paramount importance of preserving pheasants as a larger class of wild game."

On the contrary: If we do not take responsibility for the future, than surely the future... will take responsibility for us.

[pause for applause]

Simply put: We. Must. Ensure. That. Pheasants. Outlive. THE SUN!

[pause for wild applause]

We already have a team of scientists, funded by donors who wish to remain anonymous, working on the problem of how best to terraform extrasolar planets in order to ensure other, non-Earth habitats for pheasants. Naturally, we are also exploring faster-than-light means of travel in order to facilitate the transportation of pheasants not just to neighboring star systems, but also to neighboring galaxies.

Think of it, gentlemen: one day, there will be pheasants in the Andromeda Galaxy!

[pause for applause]

And if our galaxy should ever be struck a plague of apocalyptic hyper-comets — and I think we all know what that's like — [pause for laughter]

— as we watch all that we have ever known fade from existence, we will be comforted in the knowledge that somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, small beautiful food birds will scamper and play under the dappled shadows cast by an alien sun.

But the extinction of Sol, as most of you have already deduced, is only our medium-term concern. The long game — the game that really defines Pheasants Forever as an organization — is how pheasants can be made to exist after the universe we know it has burned itself out, every star long since transformed to ash, every planet broken down to microfine dust, every molecule slowly but inexorably chilled and slowed down to a final, frozen immobility.

Where will pheasants live then? How will their majestic drumming be produced and heard when there is no time-space continuum through which sound waves can travel?

More importantly: what defines a pheasant? Can we build inversely powered cyber-pheasants — with behaviors, brainwaves and appearances equivalent to the originals — different only in that they actually derive power from the force of entropy itself? Can we build a computerized simulation of the universe, detailed and accurate to the last atom, destined to exist forever without collapse and populated with pheasants from one end of creation to the other? Can we theorize an eternal God so powerful that pheasants can live in his omnipotent consciousness in such numbers and accuracy that the actual existence of the universe as we know it becomes not simply unimportant, but utterly irrelevant?

Worry not: we have teams of engineers, philosophers, clerics and ethicists working overtime to crack the problem. It... will... be solved!

[pause for applause]

Ducks Unlimited: Promise, or Threat?

Naturally, merely preserving pheasants forever cannot be our sole concern, much as I wish we could simply content ourselves with that noble work. However, there are other groups that are working on projects that put our own venture in jeopardy.

First and foremost: Ducks Unlimited.

This organization's stated purpose is "To ensure that so long as Americans have a wilderness, that wilderness is rich in the natural beauty of ducks."

But we have received disturbing reports that the group is dedicated not just to propagating ducks for future generations, but actually creating a supply of ducks that overwhelms all other lifeforms, indeed — all other forms of matter itself. Ducks Unlimited, our sources say, is really more like... Ducks Infinite.

[pause for gasps of horror]

There has been some speculation that Ducks Unlimited has been working on a theorem that would allow for the conversion of dark matter, the mysterious substance that astrophysicists believe makes up 94% of the universe's bulk, into a 4:3 ratio of mallard to brown ducks. Chilling as this is, the likelihood appears to be that "dark matter" is, in fact, a calculation error on the part of lazy astrophysicists. Thus, we can rest easy tonight.

That said, we can and should never underestimate the lengths to which Ducks Unlimited may go in order to fulfill its ambitious but ridiculous mission of filling not just Earth, but the very multiverse itself, with filthy waterfowl.

Rest assured: so long as your donations continue flowing and we all continue caring about the future of pheasants, we will continue tracking the activities of Ducks Unlimited and making sure that they are reported to the proper authorities.

And so, our work must go on... as tonight's event must too, go on. I've talked long enough. So, without further ado, tonight's main attraction: mashed potatoes, beef tenderloin and pecan pie forever!

[acknowledge laughter, applause, wave to friends in audience, triumphantly exit stage left]

— James Norton (jim@flakmag.com)