New Year's Eve Around the World
by Aemilia Scott

Iraq
The Bush Administration sought out and received 3.5 billion dollars from Congress on January 1st, 2005 for Iraq's 2006 New Year's party. Over the next 364 days, The White House devoted most of its tactical energy allowing the Bud Light of Democracy to shine as a beacon for the totally square, or "Sqare," Middle East. In May, Vice President Dick Cheney declared that 2005 is in its "last throes" and that the year is expected to end in a matter of days. Most strategists agree that for Iraq, 2005 will last another six to 12 years. The administration draws criticism from partiers in America, saying that the US is spending more time and money on Iraq's party while ignoring the party at home. Press Secretary Scott McClellan informs citizens that unless we throw Iraq a huge 400-kegger with professional strippers, a statue that pees Courvoisier and an albino tiger, there would be no way to ensure a truly free open bar until midnight in America. President Bush insists that the minute Iraq can throw a decent party itself, America will stop inviting itself over to throw Iraq's parties for it. In public the Bush Administration expresses confidence that Iraqis are well on their way to throwing a kick-ass two-piece party for themselves, but critics of the administration say that Iraq is too unstable to even sustain a small, "New Year's Rockin' Eve"-watching get-together without American assistance.

China
The Chinese National Media declares that there is no such thing as New Year's Eve, and that there never has been any New Year's Eve. Rather, authorities declare that there has been one single, glorious, never-ending year with only sunrises and no sunsets since 1949. When pictures of New Year's Eve parties in other parts of the world begin appearing in the Chinese media, President Hu Jintao declares that there will actually be a new year coming soon. But he assures citizens that the associated party will only affect small numbers of people for short periods of time. The politician who originally denied the coming of the new year dies mysteriously in a water accident.

The Vatican
A conclave of party planners meets in secret to choose this year's New Year's Eve party. Ideological differences on the direction that the party should take, and differences on the meaning of New Year's Eve in general, cause great discord among the planners. Some insiders feel that the Vatican's planners may choose a party that is already in its waning hours, ensuring that it will not last very long, clearing the way for a different party altogether. Catholics around the world wait to see what kind of party the Vatican will throw. African and Latin Americans hope for traditional wine and cheese, and Americans hope for a disco foam party. Everyone hopes desparately that this party will be the party they've always dreamed of. Then, upon seeing white smoke rise from the chimney of the Cistene Chapel, the eldest cardinal emerges and declares: "Habemus Bingo Tournament!" And, as it was written, this New Year's Eve party will suck more than the previous one does, and yet everyone will show up anyway.

Hollywood
In a world... Where time marches over you like a well-organized network of enemy insurgents... Where a year begins on day one and ends only after 365 days of gore... There is a story of one year unlike any other. It was a year that made the last two-thousand-and-five years look like a cakewalk. If you thought last year couldn't get any scarier... If you thought last year was so gruesome, you literally soiled yourself in fear... If you thought last year was impossibly full of bone-chilling, jaw-dropping carnage, then prepare yourself for the most horrifying year yet: 2006. Opening everywhere, January 1.

Israel
Planners in Israel secure a banquet hall that can only accommodate half the guests of the party, is 7500 years old, and is undeniably the shittiest location in town for a party. And yet, year after year, this is the place where absolutely everyone insists on partying. Palestinians are invited, but can't go on the dance floor and can't get top-shelf liquor. Everyone fights about who got to the party first. The two emcees, DJ A-Shar and DJ araPHAT, spin totally different styles of music so that no one can dance at all. Some partiers say that the two DJs should share the party so that everyone can dance, but A-Shar doesn't acknowledge araPHAT as a valid DJ, and therefore the party stays as two separate parties where neither group of guests has any fun. Some Israelis stand by the Palestinian seafood buffet and refuse to move. Some Palestinians take a few Israelis out back and beat them up. Christiane Amanpour is under a table making out with her interpreter.

New Orleans
New Orleans, as many know, is one of the cities in the United States most susceptible to New Year's Eve parties. Party planners have been pressuring the federal government for years to buttress New Orleans' sub-standard party system. Scientists say that New Orleans is only equipped to handle a relatively bumpin' house party, but on December 28th leading hiptsters announce that a truly epic Viagra party is approaching the city rapidly. On December 31st the party hits New Orleans, but the Secretary of Leisure does not respond to the city's repeated pleas for protection. By the time federal and local officials respond to the party on January 5th, tens of thousands of people are involved in the largest orgy the nation has ever seen. Sean Penn and Geraldo Rivera come down to watch the spectacle. Because the vast majority of the party attendees were black, rumor circulates that the Federal Government's lack of response to the party is racially motivated. Many leaders of the black community say that President Bush promised on November 2nd to party with the African American population, but when the really big party happened, Bush didn't even stop by. Racial issues deepened when similar images of white partiers and black partiers were captioned very differently: while the white partiers were "making merry and cutting loose," the black partiers were "strapping their shit-face on and poking anything still standing at 12:01."

America
Drops the ball, again.

E-mail Aemilia Scott at aemilia at gmail dot com.