The Judy Miller/Terrell Owens Cheat Sheet
by J. Daniel Janzen

With so many of our public figures falling into disgrace these days, it can be difficult to keep the characters straight. To help our readers prepare for timely banter around the water cooler and the happy hour buffet, Flak Magazine presents this handy cheat sheet on two of this week's premier pariahs: former New York Times reporter Judy Miller and soon-to-be-former Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens.

Current Situation

Terrell Owens: Suspended for four games by the Eagles following lengthy internal disputes; will be benched for the remainder of the season, then released.

Judy Miller: Resigned her position at the Times following lengthy internal negotiations; previously jailed for 83 days, then released.

Reason for Vilification

Judy Miller: Repeated violations of journalistic ethics, compounded by self-serving attempts to pass herself off as a martyr for the First Amendment.

Terrell Owens: Repeated violations of team spirit, sportsmanship and NFL policy, compounded by self-pitying complaints of unfairness at the hands of the "No Fun League."

Reputation among Teammates

Judy Miller: Infamous for story-hogging, sharp elbows and backstabbing.

Terrell Owens: Infamous for ball-hogging, sharp temper and butt-slapping.

Macho Posturing

Terrell Owens: Publicly questioned the sexuality of former San Francisco 49ers teammate Jeff Garcia; subsequently questioned the toughness of Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.

Judy Miller: While embedded in Iraq, donned Army fatigues, participated in interrogations, bragged about her security clearance and threatened military officials she felt were insufficiently tough on WMDs.

Involvement with Cheerleaders

Terrell Owens: Celebrated a touchdown catch in a losing game against Green Bay by dancing and shaking a cheerleader's pompons.

Judy Miller: Celebrated the march to a losing war by the Cheerleader-in-Chief by dancing around the issue of Ahmad Chalabi's shaky credibility.

Past Attempt at Discipline

Terrell Owens: Suspended by the San Francisco 49ers for one game for showing questionable judgment in taunting the Dallas Cowboys atop their midfield logo.

Judy Miller: Suspended by the Times from reporting on WMDs for failing to question the judgment of a Houston cowboy.

Salacious Side Plot

Terrell Owens: Raised eyebrows with a "Monday Night Football" promotion in which "Desperate Housewives" actress Nicollette Sheridan urged him to disregard the game and come to her arms.

Judy Miller: Raised eyebrows with an affectionate note sent to her in prison by Scooter Libby in which he urged her to disregard his confidentiality agreement and "come back to work — and life."

Institutional Repercussions

Terrell Owens: Constant distractions eroded Eagles morale and fatally undermined team's ability to compete effectively for the Super Bowl.

Judy Miller: Constant distractions eroded the Times' credibility and fatally undermined its ability to report effectively on the most important story of recent years.

Does He/She Get It?

Terrell Owens: Not entirely — "I fight for what I think is right. In doing so, I alienated a lot of my fans and my teammates."

Judy Miller: Not at all — "I will continue speaking in support of a Federal shield law. In my future writing, I intend to call attention to the internal and external threats to our country's freedoms — Al Qaeda and other forms of religious extremism, conventional and WMD terrorism, and growing government secrecy in the name of national security — subjects that have long defined my work."

Looking Ahead

Terrell Owens: Will inevitably be embraced by a team desperate enough to overlook his considerable downside. Unlikely to ever shut up.

Judy Miller: Will inevitably be embraced by neoconservatives desperate to overcome their considerable downslide. Unlikely to ever shut up.