Recycle Hillbillies for Victory
By Donald Rumsfeld as told to J. Daniel Janzen

Much has been made in recent days of the use of "recycled hillbillies" in the 372nd Military Police Company at Abu Ghraib prison to soften up detainees for interrogation. Some critics purport that this practice only invites human rights excesses and corrupts the integrity of untrained young recruits without producing quality intelligence. Are they right? They may be right in the sense that they're right about that specific part of the picture, but they're wrong about the part of the picture beyond the part they're right about. And that's the important part.

Recycled hillbillies are only the beginning. This administration came to power committed to bringing a new level of private-sector professionalism and expertise to the business of government, and our hallmark fiscal restraint and sound planning are reflected in cost-saving measures throughout our Iraq policies and initiatives. For example, outlays for printer paper have been slashed dramatically by printing on the backside of amply available waste paper. The four Geneva Conventions alone can provide for a full week's reconstruction contracts, with a good handful left over for the latrine.

The very origins of the Iraqi campaign exemplified the principle of reduce, reuse and recycle. Rather than building a case for the war from scratch, we simply tapped into existing animosity toward Al Qaeda and the Taliban, broadened it to apply to Islam in general and repurposed it against a previously uninvolved regime. As my business school professor used to say, "All Arabs are gray in the dark." As a further benefit, the shift of theater simultaneously eliminated the need to accomplish anything further in Afghanistan. Had we completed all our objectives there? No. Had we improved the situation in the long run? No. Worsened it? Yes. Will we repeat this pattern in every place we get involved? You're darn tootin'. A trained ape could see the logic. But I digress.

Tremendous savings have been realized by streamlining our diplomatic efforts. Rather than dealing with myriad international organizations, alliances and treaties, we've withdrawn almost entirely from the diplomatic community, aside from what's left of Tony Blair and a few made-up countries. You could spend a lifetime studying the complexities of modern international relations and statecraft — but who wants to carry that kind of overhead? The judicial system is a similar waste of money. Six bucks a day per juror for lunch money? We'd do away with it here if we could, but we're sure as heck not going to pay for it over there. They're still marginally better off than they were under the last guy, and all the customer really cares about is being on the right side of the hockey stick.

Some people say that this war is being fought for the sake of major corporations, while the little guy with nothing to gain is the one who pays the price. Are they right? They're no more right today than they were yesterday, and even less than they will be tomorrow. Listen, I know what the working man really cares about, and that's jobs. As a matter of fact, the recent rise in employment numbers is due entirely to our massive call-up of reservists and national guardsmen, freeing up work for their fellow citizens. And we're not going to be done with them any time soon, either in Iraq or in Korea or in another country or dead. Truth be told, the hiring market for military personnel is red-hot — there's never been a better time to consider putting on a uniform.

Sadly, not all of our thrift initiatives have been equally successful. The gently used Secretary of State we'd relied on to make our case to the world has become increasingly difficult to operate. Our homegrown Iraqi government isn't fooling anyone. We probably should have kept one box of "US Mission to the United Nations" stationery. But every little bit helps — remember, this is a different kind of war.

What can you do to pitch in? Let trust be your victory garden. Don't keep asking for new answers to every little question that comes up; try and make do with the things we told you last year. They were good enough for you then — why not now? (And Seymour Hersh, I'd thank you to stop staining our credibility at every opportunity. It's got to last another five years, or at least until the end of this one). When we announce in October or so the discovery of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, don't make us blow a lot of dough substantiating it when you can take our word for it for free. And for heaven's sake, don't come around crying for a change in the White House this fall. Those movers don't work for free, you know.