Supreme Court Building Seized by The Home Depot For New Construction
by Aemilia Scott

WASHINGTON, DC — The Supreme Court Building was seized today by The Home Depot Inc. for the building of a home-improvement megastore. The original building, conceived by Chief Justice Howard Taft in 1929 and completed in 1935, will be razed and replaced by a five-story, 50,000 square-foot hardware store and nursery.

Home Depot spokesperson William James said the planned megastore would be majestic in size, towering over every other Home Depot in the United States. "It will be a testament to the freedom and prosperity of this great land. What better spot for this towering monument than behind our nation's capitol?"

Home Depot was allowed to seize the historic property because the company provided evidence in federal court that a Home Depot megastore would attract more people and revenue to the Washington Mall than the Supreme Court Building, and therefore would serve a public good.

"I must concur with the seizure of our building," Justice John Paul Stevens said in a public statement from a local bar near the Supreme Court Building. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg concurred, noting that it would be easy to claim that Home Depot affects the daily lives of citizens more directly than the Supreme Court, and therefore replacing the building with a Home Depot would represent progress. "The tax revenue from this megastore will certainly help Washington, DC in a more concrete way than the SCOTUS," Justice David Souter added, finishing his Jim Beam.

Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, in a separate statement given in front of the yellow "Caution" tape surrounding the building, said, "Precedent shows that each Home Depot store generates 5,000 jobs from direct employment and secondary growth. We'll be lucky if we have even one job opening this year."

Justice Anthony Kennedy reaffirmed that local officials, not federal judges, should decide whether a development project benefits the community. "Plus," he added, putting on an orange tool apron, "we offer a 30-day no questions return policy. How can you argue with that?"

Of those dissenting in the 5-4 ruling, Justice Antonin Scalia railed against the majority opinion. He noted that the next time those "Home Depot faggots try to set foot on [his] God-given property," he will "take [his] double-barrel off the wall and do target practice on [their] face." He added, "Faggot."

Justice Clarence Thomas had a less stinting indictment, concluding, "Wow. Home Depot is so big and orange." Chief Justice William Rehnquist scolded, "When I tell Chief Justice Taft about this, he is going to be so pissed at you guys."

E-mail Aemilia Scott at aemilia at gmail dot com.