Fit to Serve
by Dakota Loomis

Last week, Rep. J.D. Hayworth, R-Ariz. told reporters that he had undergone stomach-stapling surgery in hopes of losing weight. Hayworth made the surgical decision after discussions with fellow Rep. Jerrold Nadler, a New York Democrat and fellow stomach-stapler.

Early indications suggest the surgery has been successful, with Hayworth claiming to have shed 40 pounds post-surgery.

Nadler's public support of Hayworth's recent laparascopic gastric bypass has shed light on a new trend sweeping the halls of Congress. Pounds have taken precedence over politics. Legislators from both houses have begun forming bonds across party lines, finding unlikely racquetball partners, setting up Weight Watchers support groups and trading low-fat protein shake recipes.

"I've never seen anything like this," said Rep. Gil Gutknecht, R-Minn. "I think the respect and reverence everyone has for President Bush and his emphasis on clean living and presenting a healthy image to the public really jump-started this new fad." Members of Congress from both sides of the aisle agree with Gutknecht's assessment, saying President Bush's boyish figure and insistence on three to five "beauty naps" a day has helped motivate them to begin paying more attention to their personal appearance.

Though Hayworth's surgery is an extreme example, there are other readily noticeable changes. Rep. Tom Osborne, R-Neb., has begun conducting biweekly hour-long training sessions that are open to all legislators. Republican leadership asked Osborne, former head football coach at the University of Nebraska and a man wholly unfit to legislate, to help out "any way he could," said House Majority Whip Roy Blunt, R-Mo. Osborne's workouts focus on cardiovascular fitness, and at the request of House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., "getting back that bikini-ready body."

Members of Congress are going beyond sharing gym equipment. In a recent interview, Alabama Republican Chip Pickering could barely contain his skepticism, "Just last week I saw Tom DeLay, R-Texas, give Chuck Rangel, D-N.Y., his last hard boiled egg. Go figure." When reached for comment, DeLay explained that between the constant campaigning, trying to draft all of America's children into the army and using the Homeland Security Department to track Texas Democrats, it's hard to stay on a strict Atkins diet. "Normally, I'd be the last person to help a Democrat," DeLay said. "But I've struggled with my weight over the years, too, and Chuck was pretty desperate. He even started talking about co-sponsoring an Anti-Flag Burning Amendment with me."

Weight loss isn't the only form of physical self-improvement bringing politicians together. Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-Texas, uses tanning beds regularly and can often been seen at DC's Bang Salon & Spa having her nails done with fellow Sen. Patty Murray, D-Wash. Beauty has even gotten in the way of Hutchison's senatorial duties. "I'm embarassed to admit this, but Patty and I were at Bang one day and completely forgot we were voting on the Amber Alert bill that day. Isn't that awful?" Hutchison said.

Congressional scholars have begun to take notice of the personal image trend said Joyce Light, Director of American Image Institute. "Yeah, Senator Hutchison always looks preternaturally tan. I wish I could find the time to pamper myself like that," Light said. "Still, I guess we should have seen this trend coming. Democrat or Republican, at the end of the day these people are still politicians, and it's only natural for people who constantly distort their public record to begin distorting their own bodies as well."

E-mail Dakota Loomis at dakotaloomis@hotmail.com.