What We Talk About When We Talk About "Mission Accomplished"
By President Bush
as told to J. Daniel Janzen

First off, I'd like to thank you all for being understanding about that little misunderstanding on the boat there. If I'd known what the banner said, I never would have posed in front of it. Fact of the matter is, I had Rummy look at it for me, and he told me it wasn't anything for me to concern myself with. Heckuva coincidence, you got to admit. It could just as easily have said "Swap Meet Tonight" or "Ladies Night Two for One" and you never would have connected it with the speech I gave in front of it. Makes you think.

While we're on the topic, I wanted to clear up a couple other things, too. Like, you remember when I said we were going to capture Osama bin Laden dead or alive? See, that was a figure of speech, what you call an allephory. Interpreted, what it means is that when the day of judgment arrives, there'll be no escaping the Lord — whether Osama is dead or alive at that point, he'll be judged all the same, then cast into the pit along with the rest of them.

Also, when some of our guys said that the reconstruction effort would pay for itself with restored oil production, what they meant was that restoring oil production would really pay off for the reconstruction contractors. And I don't think anyone would question that — Dick, you're still pretty familiar with Halliburton's books, right? They've got to be making a killing on this. The reconstruction effort will pay for itself with about twelve hundred million billion dollars, most of which will come from the international community, I'm sure.

As for the matter of the weapons of mass destruction — believe you me, I'm as tired of that topic as you are, so let's let this be the last word said on it. The yellowcake from Niger? No, that was this pound cake Secretary Powell brought in — we just couldn't stop talking about it. I could understand getting that confused. The Iraqi nucular program we told you they had, we were actually referring to the one they had back in the late 1980s — you mean you didn't get that?

We really should talk more often to keep things like this from happening. I had no idea you were being so misinformed by my words. You probably thought Leave No Child Behind had something to do with reaching out to the disadvantaged and creating educational systems to ensure that every child could reach full potential. Actually, that was a carpool thing. Used to drive Laura nuts — she'd go to pick up the girls after soccer practice, and there'd be some poor girl sitting on the curb because her ride took off without her. Terrible thing.

Let's not even talk about "kinder, gentler." I can't imagine what you must have thought that was about.

Enough living in the past. Now that we've put all this silliness behind us, we can move boldly into the future. This is a great and confident time for the United States of America, so help us God. Within the next 12 months, Iraq will be completely stabilized and returned to normal civil and commercial function under democratically elected, local government. Shortly thereafter, liberalization will ripple throughout the region and overwhelm the forces of extremism. The face of Islam across the globe will turn to Jesus, and the world will enter an era of unprecedented peace and prosperity.

Back home, the abolition of personal and corporate income taxes will spur double-digit economic growth and permanent full employment with universal health insurance — that's private sector provided, mind you. The deficit will be gone by the end of my second term, replaced by a trust fund to provide unlimited prescription drugs to every man, woman and dog in the country. Freed from regulatory meddling, industries will take the initiative to provide safer products, operate cleaner factories and practice better corporate citizenship than ever before. People of all races, creeds and financial classes will join hands and sing "La-de-da, la-de-ay!"

You have my word.