Cheese Steak Sandwich

Vice President Richard Cheney's Tastebuds: Man alive. I tell you. There's nothing like a cheese steak sandwich, dripping with delicious Wisconsin cheddar and a big, thick slab of onion-covered steak. It melts, man. It's like licking God.

Vice President Richard Cheney's Arteries: I feel as though I need to respect your opinion. But has it ever occured to you that your reckless actions may get us both killed?

'buds: Yeah, sure. But you know what I like about the cheese steak sandwich? I like the way the bread soaks up all the grease and flavor and stuff, and it's almost like sucking down fondue. I LOVE IT. You know? I just love it.

Arteries: You're missing the point. If we don't switch over to something that's lower in fat content, I'm going to clog up, and that's the end. Then Bush becomes president.

'buds: Okay, right. Mmm. Steak. Hey, you know what - I think s'mores are pretty low fat. That's just marshmallows and graham crackers and chocolate, right? All roasted and toasted and melting and gooey, and so sweet and crumbly, all at once. Oh YES. Oh, A S'MORE. I want me a s'more. Let's get a s'more!

Arteries: Can we stick to the issue at hand? What if we had something that would act as a substitute for a cheese steak sandwich? Maybe a regular sandwich with a bit of turkey and a slice of lite, heart-healthy cheddar cheese?

'buds: Yeah, that sounds good. I think it would be good to have it with some butter though. Remember that time we fried that mushroom in butter and then covered it with maple syrup, and ate it with sausage slices? GODDAMN, that was good. Maybe we could do that again, with the heart-healthy cheese. Or even a slice of steak, with some heavy cream sauce.

Arteries: Oh God! I'm seizing up! I'm clogging up again! Help me, Jesus!

'buds: Jeez. You know what would be really good right now? Some anti-coagulant heart medicine. Baked into a chocolate cream pie.

— Richard Cheney, by way of James Norton (jim@flakmag.com)