Snubbed by the NCAA
by Bob Cook

Excuse me if I'm a little cranky this month. The men's NCAA basketball tournament, March Madness and all that rot, is starting, and my school, Indiana University-Purdue University at Indianapolis, is not in it.

What could the NCAA be thinking? Corrupt bastards. Oh sure, Duke gets in. Maryland gets in. Freakin' McNeese State gets in. Hey, IUPUI made it to the final of the mighty Mid-Continent Conference tournament, eking out a 33-point loss to Valparaiso. That isn't enough?

OK, perhaps IUPUI can't get in on its competitive merits, but the whole glory of March Madness is driven by television — well, that and gambling — and in IUPUI, you have a made-for-TV team better than "The White Shadow."

Especially in the early rounds, CBS (which televises the tournament) knows that a lot of unknown teams are going to get wiped. So they have lots of interesting tidbits about East Backward State to liven things up a bit while the school falls behind 27-6 in the first three minutes against Arizona.

IUPUI has this stuff in scads! For instance, there is no such thing as a graduate of IUPUI. Your degree either says "Indiana University" or "Purdue University," depending on your major. The school is officially one of Indiana's main campuses (the other being Bloomington). Yet Purdue's president spoke at my graduation ... it makes my head hurt.

It's a very Zen question — if you go to college that does not graduate anyone, does that school exist? That discussion could take up at least most of the first half. Of course, being a university with no graduates explains why one-time national punchline Dan Quayle went to law school there. (If CBS is lucky, Quayle would be at the game, cheering for the wrong team or mistaking his wife for a box of popcorn or something.)

Next the announcers could talk about IUPUI's home facility, a place in which world records have been set, international stars have been made — in the pool across the hall. IUPUI plays in the Indiana University Natatorium, home of a world-class swimming pool, and an afterthought of a gym. IUPUI — It's A Swimming Factory!

And the camera midway through the second half, when it's about 64-29, could focus on the campus attractions, such as the National Art Museum of Sport, which is exactly what it says it is. Of course it has LeRoy Neiman!

Plus, as announcers are killing time talking about all this stuff, every so often the camera could lock onto the Jaguars' (in Indiana, that would be pronounced "JAG-yoo-wires") coach, Ron Hunter. He is everything TV wants in a coach — a sharp dresser, a good communicator, and googly-eyed intense. This is a guy who has been known to jump up off of the bench, yell at a player, clap his hands, pump his fist, kick his leg and grit his teeth, all during the pregame layup drill.

Every time an IUPUI player would do anything, including wipe his sweaty hands on his shoes, you would be guaranteed a reaction by Ron Hunter that, as they say on Broadway, plays to the back of the room. Despite all this, the NCAA did not see fit to invite IUPUI to the Big Dance. It's not like the NCAA doesn't know who IUPUI is — the school is right across the White River from NCAA HQ. The NCAA is probably going out of its way not to favor the hometown teams, which also explains how 25-5 Butler didn't get in, despite winning its regular-season conference title and beating Indiana, Purdue and Washington.

Perhaps the good folks at Indiana University-Purdue University at Indianapolis should set up their own tournament in protest. Maybe IUPUI could invite Indiana University-Purdue University at Fort Wayne, California Polytechnic University at San Luis Obispo and Texas A&M University at Corpus Christi for a Best Long-Named School in the Country Final Four.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.