Weekly Shredder 23:
Ask the "Turkey Guy"
by James Norton

The election has (mostly) ended. The rough-and-tumble of daily politics has been put on pause. It's Thanksgiving, and it's time for a brief moment of national healing before ripping off the political Band Aids.

As such, the administration has an awesome opportunity.

With absolutely nothing on the line whatsoever, it has a chance tell the truth for an entire public event.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan is nowhere to be seen. Paul Wolfowitz is dozing in his ivory tower, still sated by the boxes of sweets sent to him by grateful Iraqis. Colin Powell, the victim of his own controversial "Sometimes Telling the President Unpleasant Things that are True" policy, is cleaning out his office and dreaming of Alma's sweet potatoes.

In their place: White House "Turkey Guy" Christopher Smith.

If we can't trust this guy, we can't trust anyone. For starters, he's got a nerdily honest face.

Hoyt, from Darlington, SC writes:
What is the best oil to fry a turkey in?

For archives, audio, and background about the column, click here.

Christopher "Turkey Guy" Smith
Since I'm from Georgia, Hoyt, I'd have to say peanut oil! However, not everyone can eat peanuts, so vegetable oil is a good alternative.

Yes! That's totally true! The White House has come completely clean on the peanut oil question!

Dave, from Virginia writes:
What about a turkey with more flavor? Wild Turkey population is growing rapidly through the efforts of groups like the National Wild Turkey Federation and their efforts and those of other sportsmen's groups are going a long way to restoring wild turkey habitat across the country.

Christopher "Turkey Guy" Smith
While I can't speak to everyone's taste for turkey, I know there are a growing number of folks hunting America's largest game bird. Thanks to good work of groups like the National Wild Turkey Federation, North America's turkey population has increased from about 30,000 wild turkeys in 1930 to more than 6.4 million wild turkeys today.

I've checked it out — and Christopher "Turkey Guy" Smith is on the level once more. In a dream scenario, the White House would fire McClellan and put Smith behind the podium.

Let's just check out one last Q&A before retiring to eat as many pieces of pumpkin bread as can be stuffed into our cheek pouches.

Lane, from Amarillo writes:

Hello, Christopher, I would like to know if any presidents have ever been pecked by an unruly turkey. If so who was it? Thank you.

Christopher "Turkey Guy" Smith

The only incident I am aware of occurred in 1984 when President Ronald Reagan was in office. Apparently, upon receiving the bird, the turkey flapped its wings in the president's face. Despite the rigorous process of selecting a turkey, even the finalists can be a little unpredictable.

Wait a second.

This seems pretty straightforward: A giant turkey is going straight for President Bush's wang. As any journalist or turkey expert can tell you, the photo became an instant classic, passed from father to son and sister to brother via the magic of e-mail.

An Associated Press article published Nov. 17, 2004 had this to say:

After his remarks, Bush, wary after being pecked in the midsection three years ago, kept a firm grip on one bird's neck.

The italics are mine, the euphemistic use of the word "midsection" is AP's, and the bald-faced deception is Christopher "Turkey Guy" Smith's.

The Nov. 20, 2001 Turkey Incident is the stuff of trivia and legend. So why hasn't the "Turkey Guy," who seems to know the forensic details of a minor 1984 wing-flapping event, heard of it? Is "Lane" from Amarillo a shill? Was the "Turkey Guy" staging this entire event to simply further distract the American people from the important issue of our president unintentionally appearing in hilarious photographs?

In a nutshell: The stakes here were mind-bogglingly low. The Bush functionary was slightly higher ranking than a Senate page. And yet... in bizarre defiance of the public record, Christopher "Turkey Guy" Smith decided to waltz his way into the Bush White House Hall of Liars, becoming a Lego man-sized mascot among the Titans of Deception.

Never let it be said that the Bush people are inconsistent.

Happy Thanksgiving, and remember: Eat smart, America. There's no need to choose between pecan and pumpkin pie. In most families, you can request a slice of each.

E-mail James Norton at jrnorton@flakmag.com.

— graphic by Derek Evernden (derek@ocellus.net)