Fill 'er Up
by Eve Adams
Family planning is a controversial issue in America today. Everyone knows that women are supposed to have kids — breasts, vaginas and nurturing instincts aren't good for much else! — but beyond that, tough questions abound. When to start bearing? To work, like some greedy martinet, or to stay home, like a proper hausfrau? There is, too, the shattering dilemma of names: Brooklyn Madison or Dakota Sedona?
Easy answers are hard to find. A smart and fertile woman must heed all at once the advice of her doctor, the pressures of her friends, the vague desires of her mate, and the interminable passive aggression of her female relatives. And the books! A fecund lady almost wants to chuck the lot and do whatever the hell she wants.
I'm joking, of course, but really: the volume of information and diversity of opinions on family planning is enough to prolapse one's uterus. Fortunately, ringing out from that cacophony of voices there is but one Voice, helpfully summarized by the QuiverFull movement. Modestly peeking out from that vertiginous mountain of books is the spine of one Good Book. And this Book says:
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them.
Hosannah, ladies! A straight-shot answer at last: God wants us to have lots of "arrows," by which He obviously means children, and put them in our man's "quiver," by which He means "enormous house somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line." This means that God is also sore displeased when you take birth control, inflict sinfully jizz-wasting condoms on your man, or pay any attention to your menstrual cycle. What do you need a calendar for, anyway? Everything you could want is in that four-bedroom house. You may never be an architect, an artist, or anything else, but God doesn't want those things for you. He wants you to be a mother, and you are a silly Sadducee for wanting anything more.
If you didn't know, God also "loves impossible obstacles", especially if they're your vagina, which He wants to tear. (Caesarean sections are yucky, anyhow!) He isn't a huge fan of you taking personal pleasure in sex or, honestly, your kids. Don't be so selfish! Those are His kids, made as part of His plan. Sound harsh? It's all in There.
Family planning isn't a complicated question if you've read the Book about it, so say a prayer, spread 'em wide, and ready yourself to be penetrated by the rock-hard, unevolving will of our Father. Or your kids' father. Or your father. Whichever.
E-mail Eve Adams at ultimaluz at gmail dot com.
