A Million Little Pieces: Everyone's a Winner!
by Jeanie Miller

For those of you who aren't aware, the Smoking Gun has released a six-page report detailing its investigation of James Frey's bestselling memoir, "A Million Little Pieces." The shocking verdict: several events described in the book were found to be fabricated or sensationalized for increased dramatic effect.

Unlike Frey's stint in rehab, his stint as Oprah's Book Club's new wonder boy reaped financial returns that will enable him to live comfortably high for the rest of his life. In fact, this whole spectacle has brought nothing but good things for everyone involved, which makes me wonder if this was all a joint conspiracy. Here is a rundown of all the winners, and why they are better off now that the Smoking Gun has blown this thing way out of proportion:

Winner: James Frey

Frey is the champ no matter how you look at it. Maybe he planned it like this. But still, you gotta hand it to the guy. He knows how to work success the American way — by being a total deadbeat, making a triumphant comeback against the odds, living long enough to hack it all out, and selling his exaggerated confession to the ignorant masses. So some of it's not true. He still gets the money. He still gets the book deal. He still gets the movie made about his life. Jealous yet?

And best of all, he got to defend himself on "Larry King Live." I need to find something unapproved-by-the-public to do so I can defend myself on Larry King, so Larry will be like, "How are you holding up?" and I'll look up at him, my face brimming with wistful optimism, and say, "You know what Larry? I'm doing okay."

Winner: The Smoking Gun

What the fuck, Smoking Gun? Yeah, you're a winner, and your website got some lovin' hits. But fuck. If you wanted to paint Frey an imposter, at least do it before he's made a fortune, or at least fuck some asshole that deserves it, like disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who's parading around Internet news sources in a mafia fedora and trench coat like he's trying out for The Sopranos and not knee deep in his own indicted excrement. So many frauds and corruption to go after, and you choose a defenseless book that came out a million years ago, like in 2003.

If you wanted to get Oprah, this was kind of a roundabout way of going about it, don't you think? Furthermore, by trumpeting Frey's dishonesty, you've only made him a cult hero. Now tons of people are going to buy the book, and no matter what Oprah gushes about believing in the book's redemption and recovery and all that shit, it's still going to pique curiosity about drugs, and thousands upon millions of teenagers will increasingly turn to meth as a solution to their adolescent miseries.

Nice job.

Winner: "A Million Little Pieces"

As stated earlier, this book will continue to sell. Hell, I might read it one of these days.

Winner: A Million Little Pieces: The Movie

Word on the street is that it's going to be a box office smash. Frey (reportedly also writing the script) is already in contention for the Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar nomination, even though the Academy will deny it up and down. Just watch the announcement. Many will owe me money.

Winner: Oprah

The only thing she loses these days is more weight. Her control over public opinion is almighty. Her empire will grow, swiftly and ruthlessly. Pretty soon she will become but another voice in all of our heads, urging us to buy every single consumer product she endorses, regardless of whether we actually need it. Just a warning.

Winner: Embellishment

To get down to bare philosophical bones for a second, aren't we all just staging one big fictional masterpiece? Aren't we all just faking it through this world of cold, hard, molecular facts?

Winners: Drug Dealers / Foreign Countries That Depend on Drug Trade

These guys are going to rake it in, but don't tell anyone you heard it here first.

Winner: Judge Alito

Even the most liberal of Capitol Hill insiders were perplexed as to why he appeared to be doing so well after several days of providing boring, evasive answers to Senate Judiciary Committee questioning. Here's why: This news about Frey makes Sammy Boy look credible. No matter what your political allegiances, Alito doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would make up a story about some stripper doing a line of coke off his dick.

E-mail Jeanie Miller at jeano7008@yahoo.com.