A Modest Proposal
by Eric Wittmershaus

Never mind the chad, it's time to cut the heartland loose.

While the as-of-yet unresolved presidential election clearly split the country in two, it did so along fairly predictable lines.

Well, predictable for me, anyway. Of the states carried by Texas Gov. George W. Bush, I would consider living in one — Alaska. Meanwhile, a survey of the states colored blue (the official color of Al Gore and the Democrats, apparently) yields only three states where I wouldn't want to receive mail — Hawaii, Iowa and New Mexico.

What we have, then, is a fairly straightforward system where I am able to accurately predict which candidate will ultimately win each mainland state. Of the contested states, Gore gets Oregon and Wisconsin. Bush gets Florida, New Mexico and Iowa...and therefore the presidency.

Despite this seemingly infallible barometer, whether Bush can prove he legally won these states is an entirely different ballgame, a ballgame that seems destined to be netted at zero for some time.

So to save the country from anarchy, disenchantment and boredom, a solution must be devised. And that solution is to cleave the country in two.

Sure, it may sound like a wild idea at first, but the Heartland has never really understood why Marilyn Manson isn't worth getting worked up over and the folks in Gore land tend to view church as something that happens a handful of times per year, regardless of what Joe Lieberman says.

So there you go, Missouri and Mississippi, Nevada and North Dakota, Utah and, especially, Texas, take your GWB. We'll take Gore. And as for who's right and who's wrong, well, everyone knows that if you had to take away part of the Oreo, you'd lose the white stuff in the middle. At least the two chocolate pieces can still be called a cookie.

And as for you traitors in New Hampshire, well, we'll leave you out of the loop all together and see how long you last now that you don't have out-of-staters' alcohol purchases propping up your budget. No tax, indeed. And watching you all fight over which county got to vote first in your new country's primary might just make this crazy scheme worthwhile.

Similarly isolated are Minnesota, Michigan and Illinois...maybe Iowa and Wisconsin, too. Well, we're perfectly willing to give you the non-Chicago portion of Illinois (that flat wasteland matches Kansas better than California, anyway) in exchange for Wisconsin. That way I can make trips home for Christmas without having to fly international, know what I mean? Of course you do, Bubba. We'll even throw in Jesse "The Body."

Now before all you Southerners get offended by my Yankee regionalism, pause to reconsider. Finally, the South could start exercising its rights without those liberal Northerners telling them what to do. Tennessee never liked Gore to begin with, and now it'll be able to show its true Dixie colors. South Carolina can fly the Confederate flag until it is blue in the face. Jeb Bush might bring back "Old Sparky." Virginians everywhere could once again revel in the glorious "Carry Me Back to Old Virginny." GWB could keep executing retards. Mmm...Southern hospitality.

Of course, they still execute folks in parts of Gore Land, but give the New Society some time. We'll work on it.

Meanwhile, let's not forget that Texas could continue to spew toxic waste at the rate of one Neptune per day almost forever, now that those pesky California environmentalists have to operate out of an embassy building.

In the world of sports, Major League Baseball would lose both the Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Indians, and perhaps pave the way toward a new professional sports enlightenment that would bring about the eventual demise of the Washington Redskins.

While some Midlanders might try to counter this argument with some syrupy, delusional rhetoric to the effect of, "The United States can't survive without a heart," those of us living in the country's hipper, socially conscious, left-leaning regions know better. In an era of cheap airfare and speedy, round-the-clock, coast-to-coast flights, we no longer need states like Wyoming and Oklahoma to get from Point A (Los Angeles or San Francisco) to Point B (New York, Boston and D.C., with a possible layover in Chicago).

Increasingly, it seems as if the governmental relationship between Gorons and Bushwhackers only exists to make the whole raw-materials-for-culture trade cycle that much easier to ride. But in an era where Northerners view the Heartland as a redneck wasteland and where the folks in the middle think our moral compass is pointing, well, South, it's becoming increasingly apparent something's got to be done.

And giving Florida's 25 electoral votes, 2 Senators and 23 Representatives to Puerto Rico just isn't the answer, nice as it may sound.

E-mail Eric Wittmershaus at ericw at flakmag dot com.