I Love a Good Spelling Bee
by Donovan Lopez

Succedaneum!

Last week 13-year-old Sean Conley of Aitkin, Minn., was crowned champion of the 2001 Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee after successfully spelling that word. The bee started with 248 contestants fighting for the grand prize of $10,000, a big trophy and, presumably, bragging rights at the Mensa national convention. The process eliminated all but two of these little literati. When the smoke had cleared, it was only Conley, who placed second in last year's bee, and Kristin Hawkins of Leesburg, Va. I am too young to remember the glory days of boxing, when Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier fought in the bout hailed as the Thrilla in Manila, but I can't imagine the intensity of that battle was greater than this showdown. Ali-Frazier, Leonard-Hearns, and now Conley-Hawkins.

It was a match of differing styles. Conley was patient and deliberate. Hawkins aggressive and merciless. After 14 hard-fought rounds, it looked like this one could go the distance. The bee was scheduled for 25 rounds, and if the two were still standing at the end they would have been named co-champions (I think I speak for all of us when I say that nothing would hurt the sport of spelling more than co-champions).

But at the exact moment when I was beginning to worry, it happened! The word was "resipiscence." Hawkins came out firing and within seconds had completed her spelling — incorrectly. The rest is history, and if it is any consolation for Kristin, my spell checker didn't know how to spell "resipiscence," either.

As I watched, I took it upon myself to learn as much about the spelling bee and the participants as I could within a 10-minute window of time. I browsed the list of winning words, the ones the winner spelled correctly to win the contest. Now, I am not a stupid man. In many circles, I am considered quite intelligent and often handsome. As I looked at the list, though, I realized why I had not won the only spelling bee I ever entered. The first word I even recognized was the 1993 winner, "kamikaze." The next three that I recognized and could actually spell were: "luge" (1984), "narcolepsy" (1976) and "croissant" (1970). I refused to go back any further, as my ego was sufficiently beaten. I found that the words I actually knew essentially defined me as a person. The words all fit into one of these categories: booze, sports, food and a medical condition I have made fun of and was actually ridiculed on The Sopranos.

Anyway, you are probably wondering how all the sports terminology made it into this article. Simple answer — I watched the bee on ESPN. It was wonderful; I watched eighth graders much smarter than myself compete in a contest that would completely determine their self-worth, while at the same time kept up on scores with the ESPN ticker on the bottom of the screen.

Why does ESPN broadcast the spelling bee? On that note, why does it broadcast The Strong Man Competition, or dog shows? I suppose it's their network and they can broadcast what they damn well please, but if they are going to show the spelling bee, they should at least have some guts. I went to the ESPN website in search of quality spelling bee content and what did I find? Nothing. They are like the jock who takes piano lessons but doesn't want his buddies to find out. So he tells them he has a doctor's appointment or that he's grounded after school, but in reality he is going to tickle the ivories. They are gutless!

It is now Thursday, 11 p.m. and the spelling bee has been finished for seven hours. A quick glance at the Web shows the bee has made the front page of the USAToday, ABC News, and Yahoo!. ESPN still has nothing. Do they only cover the spelling bee so that they can incorporate sound clips and witty comments into their Sportscenter broadcast? Do they just broadcast the bee so that Stuart Scott can make fun of a kid being humiliated on national television? I don't know, but if you are going to broadcast the national spelling bee, at least have the courage to plaster the winner's face on your website.

If ESPN could learn anything by broadcasting these kids trying so hard to get so far, it's that the most honorable aproach, once you've decided to do something, is to take it all the way. There's no succedaneum.

E-mail Donovan Lopez at dlopez at rochester dot rr dot com.