John J. Miller's National Review Playlist
by Matt Hanson

Recently, John J. Miller of the National Review posted his playlist for the top 50 conservative rock songs of all time. Conservative rock might strike one as an oxymoron, but when cheerfully proposed, it can certainly create a kickass party mix. After looking more closely at the song and artist selection, however, there is some pretty glaring disharmony.

Part of the problem with the Right creating a list like this is that it exposes a telling irony: Most of the artists are outspoken liberals. Not only that, but in many cases these artists have plenty of other songs in their catalogues to fuel any progessive block party. Liberalism is often an ingredient to the music itself, despite any narrow-minded admonishment to "shut up and sing." The Kinks, for example, mocked England's self-satisfied sentimental right in (just to name a few) "Mr. Pleasant," "Plastic Man," the Rousseau-ian "Apeman," a love song about a transvestite, and the bitingly rapturous "Shangri-La." It would be more of a point of pride if the conservatives had more really talented, smart musicians from their side to help outline their political agenda. Instead, they've got Ted Nugent. It's a bit of a problem that when conservatives want to rock out, they find themselves poaching their power chords from the Left.

Most of Miller's top 10 is taken up with songs from artists who are anything but role models for conservative living or philosophy: The Beatles, the Rolling Stones, U2, the Who, the Sex Pistols and the Kinks have all spoken or acted out against the right wing at one time or another. Miller good-naturedly concedes this, and cheerfully provides that he "won't hold that against them." He sure didn't. Going further down the list you've got the Clash (who named one of their last immortal records after a Marxist guerrilla group), Bob Dylan, David Bowie, Aerosmith (longtime fundraisers for Ted Kennedy), and Creedence Clearwater Revival, the guys who brought you the all-too-relevant "Fortunate Son." These are only the most obvious examples; I'm not too sure where Oingo Boingo and Jesus Jones fall on the political spectrum. Looks like beggars can be choosers, after all.

This wouldn't be such a big deal if many of the song selections weren't so puzzling. "Won't Get Fooled Again" by the Who is definitely a song about revolution and its discontents. But the title more than reflects the anger of the Left and the gradual disappointment of the Right over an administration that can't seem to keep its story straight over, well, anything. And what about "The Men who spurred us on / Sit in judgment of all wrong / They decide and the shotgun sings the song"? This can't have any connection to the war in Iraq, since that would be defeatist and un-American. "Meet the new boss ... same as the old boss" is not a happy sentiment for those who voted, twice, for a well-connected scion of one of the most well-known political dynasties of the present day.

"Sweet Home Alabama" is a great song, no doubt about it, but it also has a famous defense of Watergate as simply "not bothering me" and some prickly ambiguity about George Wallace. To use an often-heard conservative critique, is this the type of thing that sets a good moral example?

It's cool that Iron Maiden set "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" to music, but I doubt that much of Bush's base are deeply devoted to the study of English romanticism — particularly when it's written by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, a liberal who once tried to create a hippyish rural commune in Pennsylvania. Speaking of Brit Lit, Led Zeppelin's hash-and-Tolkien number "The Battle of Evermore" might conjure up images of maypoles, paganism and merrily dancing elves, but just because "the tyrant's face is red" doesn't necessarily mean he's a Communist. He might just be angry.

The genre of the songs on the list fall into a pretty uninspiring category, as well. Miller jokingly asks "who ever said diversity isn't a conservative principle?" Well, his list does. Most of these tunes have been heard a million times on a million radio stations by millions of people. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just not all that interesting, since there are, after all, other genres of music besides pop/rock from the Reagan era in the commercial rock format — all Baby Boomer, all suburbia, all the time. As far as I'm concerned, the Right can have all the Blink-182, Kid Rock, Rush and Creed they want. When they want music that will uplift, rock out and inspire, they'll have to steal their kids' John Lennon records. One wonders when the right wing is going to learn that, to quote a popular Christian performer named Dee Snider, "you can't stop rock and roll."

Some additions to Miller's list?

"The Warrior" by Pat Benatar

I like to picture this one blaring from Bush's headphones as he pops wheelies around Crawford on his shiny new 10-speed. Also good for when he did the aircraft carrier landing emblazoned with "Mission Accomplished" — about 1,000 days ago or so.

"Bye Bye Bye" by N' Sync

The consumerist urge to spend willfully and wildly — mixed with patriotic fervor in the wake of 9/11 — made this subliminal title ironic as hell. Plus, it's a great mix of form and function. The ultimate collection of Ken dolls sold to ditzy suburban teeny-boppers with disposable income who subsequently begin marching flag-handed and merry to the mega mall, visions of Justin dancing in their heads.

"Mo Money Mo Problems" by Notorious BIG

Halliburton's no-bid control of tragedies foreign and domestic leads the Notorious Dick C-H-E-N-E-Y, Wyoming's finest, to puzzle over the many complications of ripping so many folks off at once.

"Communication Breakdown" by Led Zeppelin

"The White House is not going to comment on an ongoing investigation." Good-bye Scott McClellan, hello early Zep!

"All About the Benjamins" by P Diddly-Doo

THE must-have single for all greedy senators and GOP fellow — disgraced and not yet to be — DeLay, Cunningham, Abramoff, what's-his-name, etc.

"Somebody's Watchin' Me" by Rockwell, with Michael Jackson

NSA, the Patriot Act, wiretaps, cameras in city streets ... the King of Pop and the guy with the googly eyes sings the lyric of our new surveillance state.

"Black or White" by Michael Jackson

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor hereby initiated that Trent Lott sings this song every Thursday as he moonwalks over the grave of Strom Thurmond.

"Killing an Arab" by The Cure

Albert Camus' The Stranger is adapted to drivingly mopey '80s New Wave, which takes on a sinister and sorrowful edge in the wake of Haditha. (This one is debatable, as per the strictures of good taste. One doesn't want to add insult to injury, right?)

"Boys Don't Cry" by The Cure

"So I try to laugh about it / Cover it all up with lies / 'Cause boys don't cry ..."

Bush's approval ratings must get him down in the dumps sometimes. May we suggest a pick-me-up.

"One in a Million" by Guns N Roses

"Immigrants and Faggots / they make no sense to me..."

"I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor

Rumsfeld's mantra and theme song after everybody and their dog called for his resignation. Especially after offering it himself — twice — and Bush standing by the one and only Rumsferatu.

"How I Could Just (Almost) Kill a Man" by Cypress Hill

Dick "I Had a Beer or Two at Lunch" Cheney blasts this from his Hummer as he hunts imported deer and wild elk in a man-made game preserve in Texas.

"Beat on the Brat" by The Ramones

A possible soundtrack for Lyddie England and the gleeful inhumanity at Abu Gharib. Johnny would have approved.

"We've Got Big Ball" by AC/DC

The official theme song of Alberto Gonzales, Cheney, Rumsfeld, assorted lawyers and pundit spokesmen justifying said "torture" — or was it "abuse"? — publicly and ad nauseum after Abu Ghraib. Special encore solo performance for Cheney, having had the stones to make his case in front of John McCain.

"Sex Type Thing" by Stone Temple Pilots

"I am a man, a man/ I said I wanna get next to you ... I know you like what's on my mind/ I know you want what's on my mind..."

How in blazes did Scott Weiland tap into the subconscious ticker tape of Newt Gingrich, Bill "Falafel" O'Reilly and many other GOP sexoholics as they settle divorce contracts and carry on phone conversations with their female interns?

Email Matt Hanson at junglegroove at gmail dot com

— Graphic by Becca Dilley