Yelling "I would SO fuck her!" at a stranger

Most (if not all) of us have been in a situation where we've found ourselves shouting comments at passing women. Who among us hasn't sat at a bus stop and bellowed "Slow down, sex machine!" or "Shake those all-day suckers!" at a passing nun or social worker?

Still, at a certain point, the whole ritual enters a realm that some would consider "bad taste." For example: Spotting a woman walking on the other side of a dark avenue and yelling "I would SO fuck her!" as though chatting a casual comment to a friend, but accidentally chatting it at 120 decibels.

The cool thing about doing this is the position it puts her male escort in, if she's walking with one to begin with.

The first question for both the woman and her companion: respond, or don't respond?

There's a 60 percent chance that the yelling guy would be silenced — or at least slightly shamed — by yelling something back.

But there's a 35 percent chance that he'd just increase the torrent of abuse to compensate for the new, actively confrontational set-up.

And there's a 5 percent chance that the yelling guy has been spoiling for a fight for weeks, and here's his chance. Here's the chance to beat the crap out of some innocent-but-cheeky passersby late at night, on an abandoned avenue.

It's that 5 percent chance that the mostly harmless guy yelling "I would SO fuck her!" is banking on. As long as that credible threat undergirds the words — as long as some psychopath somewhere in the United States has gone off on someone who stood up for themselves, it's that magic 5 percent chance that makes anything possible.

Passersby, therefore, just need to eat the words, however vile and offensive they may be, because at a certain age, a street-corner brawl just isn't worth it.

So it works. To those who would shout profane abuse at total strangers on deserted streets: Keep it up, because no one's likely to stop you.

You're giving us all a vulgar, emotional reminder that life is sometimes a walk through a gutter. On one hand, that makes every uneventful walk through the glow of the moon on rain-washed pavement that much nicer.

But on the other hand — really, please, it's time to restore decorum to your public conduct and act your age, Mr. SHIT-LICKING MUTHAFUCKAAAAH!

Chimp-humper.

— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com)