Whatchamacallit

The Whatchamacallit is a superior candy bar. It has the delicious flavor of peanut butter, without the greasy heaviness of a peanut butter cup; the light crispiness of a Kit Kat with the added complexities of peanut butter and caramel. The only candies that come close are the new ReeseSticks. ReeseSticks are tasty, but might well be called "Blatant-Rip-off-of-Whatchamacallit-without-the-CaramelSticks." It is the delightful chewiness of the caramel that catapults Whatchamacallit from mere candy bar to something more.

So why are they so fucking hard to find?

I went to the supermarket today to buy one. I scanned the rack by the checkout, unsurprised when Watchamacallits weren't there. That rack, bastion of the impulse buy, is reserved for the big boys of the candy bar world: Snickers, Milky Way, Nestle Crunch, even Reese's new Fast Break. I've had them all. None can satisfy like a Whatchamacallit. No, not even Snickers.

So I made for the candy aisle, but after scanning the chocolate wall for several minutes had to face the awful reality: it wasn't there. I was sure there was some mistake. Perhaps Whatchamacallit, having finally received its overdue recognition, now had its own aisle? I flagged down an employee.

Me: Do you carry Whatchamacallit?

Him (uncaring): What you see is what we have.

Me: But I don't see any Whatchamacallits. How is that possible?

Him (cruel): We have a very small candy section.

Me (fear becoming anger): Yes, I can see that it's quite small. So small that you only have room for six different kinds of M&Ms.

Him: Well, I don't know if there are six.

Me: Plain, Peanut, Almond, Peanut Butter, Krispy, and Dulce de Leche.

Him (on the ropes): Hey, people like M&Ms.

Me: (triumphant): I guess they like Kit Kat too. And I'm sure it's very important that you carry it in its regular and Big Kat forms. Not to mention Kit Kat miniatures, Kit Kat bites, and Kit Kat easter eggs.

Him: Easter is coming up.

Me: Yes it is, which is why I'm wondering where the Whatchamacallit easter eggs are. I don't see them. But while I was looking I noticed that you do carry Three Musketeers. Are you aware that a Three Musketeers bar is just chocolate covered nougat? Nougat can't carry a full candy bar, it's just filler. It tastes like fucking air.

Him: Sir, if you don't lower your voice I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Me: Answer the question. Why do you carry fucking air bars, but not delicious Whatchamacallits?

Him: I'm calling security.

Me: Yes, please do. Perhaps they can solve the mystery of the missing Whatchamacallits. Security! Security! The Whatchamacallits are gone!

As I was being escorted out I couldn't help but wonder, "What went wrong with the Whatchamacallit?" Despite the perfect design and tasty execution they do not seem very successful.

A trip to the website of Hershey's, the manufacturer, confirmed this. Although Peanut Butter Cups, Kisses, and Twizzlers (yes, Twizzlers!) are featured prominently, the Whatchamacallit has little web presence. In fact, it's mentioned only on the page of nutrition information and on a list of kosher products.

It's nice to know my rabbi won't object to my Whatchamacallit habit, but why is Whatchamacallit the cast-off bastard child of Hershey?

It's obviously not the sweet crispy goodness of the bar itself. The plain beige wrapper? Unlikely. Although it isn't exciting, it has a certain simple charm.

It must be the name. In an effort to be cute and clever the Whatchamacallit has alienated the public. The average candy bar eater wants to chow down on something simple during his coffee break. An uncomplicated, unthreatening bar with fewer than fifteen letters and five syllables. This explains the success of such lesser candy bars as Mounds and Big Hunk.

This effect has been seen in other industries.

The "Chicken Soup for the Soul" series of books has been phenomenally successful. But if you've ever picked one up you know it contains nothing but trite saccharine pap. Why does the public put up with it? It's the name.

Chicken Soup means down-home, heartwarming goodness for the Soul. It's not just a cheesy money-making vehicle; it's for the Soul!

Similarly, Microsoft dominates the computer industry, despite inferior products. Why does the public put up with it? It's because of their name.

Micro = small
Soft = soft

Small and soft, like a bunny! And who among us does not secretly want to trade his computer in for a bunny? I know I would. Bunnies are so cute, especially the kind with the floppy ears. And I love the way their noses wiggle all the time. Wiggle wiggle wiggle. Hippity hop! Hippity hop!

If I had a bunny I would name him Whatchamacallit.

— Alon Ziv (alonziv@yahoo.com)