The Venus Razor

The first time I saw the commercial for the Venus Razor by Gillette, I found my head bobbing to the throbbing beat of Bananarama's cover of "Venus." "Wow," I thought to myself, no doubt like legions of other leg-shaving consumers, "That looks really cool. And it comes with its own storage thing that sticks to the shower wall? And it even opens up to store extra blades? I have to buy one." Like those faceless depilating millions, I ran out to my local supermarket and forked over $9 for this exorbitantly priced razor. It seemed at the time that this $9 was a shrewd investment, sure to result in a carefree, sexy future rife with synth pop and exceptionally smooth legs.

How wrong I was. How very, very wrong.

The marketing people at Gillette would have you believe that the Venus Razor System is a miracle of modern technology. The Venus is so special, in fact, that it has its very own website. The fancy Flash opening leads one to believe that after she spends an arm and a leg for her very own Venus Razor, she can use it to shave her remaining leg and become a Goddess. According to this multi-national corporation, a Goddess is confident, radiant, independent, original. She's got it, yeah, baby, she's got it.

Reader E-mail "I love this razor and think it's well worth the price..." More ›

The Venus is a good razor. It is supposed to be exactly as good of a razor as its brother, the Mach3, but it is decidedly cooler looking. However, a cool appearance does not a smart buy make. The refills for the Venus's special fancy blades cost the same amount as your starter kit (a razor, two blades, and the storage unit) and more than a similar kit for the Mach3, which, according to my non-scientific study of New Jersey retailers, can run from about $7.99 on sale to upwards of $13.99 if you get completely ripped off.

The storage unit is the very worst part of the Venus scam. Every time I get in my shower and see it impotently lying on the side of my tub, I want to throw it at the wall. The Venus website boasts that the Wall Hanger, or shaving compact "attaches easily to the shower wall, keep[ing] the Venus System safely up and out of the way. And of course it can be easily removed for cleaning." Now, I'm no scientist. I majored in history and I've never worked in a laboratory, but it seems to me that when engineering a product designed to adhere to a shower wall, the most time-tested and effective, the most tried and true, simply the most obvious candidate for the job of temporary or semi-permanent bathtub adhesion would be the suction cup.

Reader E-mail "Thanks for making me laugh out loud..." More ›

Surely you can imagine my dismay when I realized that contrary to my assumption, the Venus shower caddy was suction cup-free. Surely you can imagine how my dismay was compounded when I realized that in lieu of a suction cup, the Venus shaving compact proudly boasted an inch long piece of double sided foam tape attached to its back. Even a history major knows that tape doesn't stick well to consistently wet surfaces, and God forbid it does, 'cause if it does, it sure doesn't remove easily for cleaning or ever reattach. The very first time I attempted to transform myself into a Goddess with the aid of my Venus, the Hanger fell off my wall and hit me in the shoulder. Needless to say, this did nothing to expedite my Goddess metamorphosis.

I've owned my Venus "System" for about a month and I am no more Goddess-like than I was before. Instead, I am about $18 poorer because I already had to buy replacements for its crappy blades. And I strongly feel that poor craftsmanship and lack of attention to detail lead to the early deterioration of my Wall Hanger. Note to consumers: steer clear from this disingenuous advertising ploy and go disposable.