Being Unemployed
by Eric Hananoki

There are dozens of job services, books and websites that'll tell you how to get a job, but few that advise you on what to do while you're waiting for that job. As a three-month veteran of the unemployment industry, I'm here to tell you the secrets to unemployment that the pro-employment media doesn't want you to hear. Four helpful tips to becoming a productive unemployed worker:

1) Get Your 'What Do You Do' Talking Points Down
Whenever you meet someone new, you'll inevitably get the small talk questions: what's your name, where are you from, why aren't you wearing pants, what do you do for a living? Reply that you're unemployed, and the conversation may end right there — especially if it's with a person of the opposite sex (believe you me).

This is why God, or someone similar, invented graduate school. Many apply, but few will enter. Don't let this stop you from using it as an excuse for why you're unemployed.

The most impressive graduate school to be waiting for is law school. Medical school may be too difficult to pull off, but also consider name dropping such concentrations as business, communications and education. But beware of making up your own graduate programs to impress your newly-acquired (and impressed) friends: there are no known graduate degrees in money making, beer or finding new Ms. Booty.

2) No Excuses — Plan Accordingly
When you're unemployed, your income and your stable of excuses are both cut by roughly 97 percent. Once the word gets out that you're unemployed, you'll slowly but steadily get unavoidable invitations for babysitting, community-servicing and airport pick-upping. Some of these inquiries will be hard to turn down now that your "I don't have time" excuse is out the window, leaving you with only the unpopular and rarely used "I'm a douche" excuse. Plan accordingly. If you ever wanted to coach little league baseball, now's your chance. If you ever wanted to enter that radio contest where you win a car by sitting in it for three days straight, now's your chance. And if you ever wanted to visit Europe, or Cleveland, now's your chance. Your new life as an unemployed worker will afford you the opportunity to waste the kind of time other people could only dream of, and also give you the thing you may cherish most: not having to use the "I'm a douche" excuse.

3) Join a Gym
Waiting by the phone like a schoolgirl for prospective employers loses its appeal and boyish charm after the third week. And writing articles for free for online magazines might not hold out much longer.

Consider joining a local gym. Take advantage of your flexible schedule by beating the workday rush. People-watch groups of gym members you may have never seen before: the retired senior citizen. The hipster college student. The fellow unemployed guy. Wink at him, just to let him know you're brothers in solidarity. But don't wink too quickly — some might be fake-unemployed people, also known as seasonal workers, night shiftmen or firefighters (you'll recognize them by the firefighter T-shirts they wear).

But beware of the senior citizens. While the workers are away, the grandparents will play: specifically, the hours of 2 — 4 p.m., right before dinner. If you see a bus outside of the gym from the local retirement home, you may have to wait for that treadmill machine.

4) Beware of Telecommunications Jobs
The most frustrating part of your unemployment experience might be the interruption of your unemployment bliss with the tease of finding an exciting job. The migration of most classified ads to the Web, an otherwise useful innovation, also means that your job search will lead to numerous false leads. Consider the first line in this actual job description, received by email:

You could be working for the largest telecommunications company in the world!

Upon first glance, the job sounds promising — but a closer look raises a few red flags:

Do you have a charming voice? Do you love chit chat? If so, you may be the perfect candidate for telephone acting! You MUST have a very charming voice! Paychecks mailed WEEKLY! Flexible Hours - full/part time or work as an independent contractor setting your own hours! Complete and total anonymity! We employ hundreds of women and men nationwide and entertain over 10,000 clients daily. Our top agents earn $15+ per hour. (hourly rate plus bonuses) You must be an adult, have a private area of your home to work from, and a very positive attitude!

Will the prospect of becoming a phone sex operator lure you out of unemployment? Maybe not, but at least reading the job alert gave you something to do.

E-mail Eric Hananoki at halona at gmail dot com.