May Sweeps
May. Sunshine extends into the mid-evening, trees
drop their blossoms in favor of sprightly young
leaves, and lovers stroll and gleam in the fresh
spring air. In a perfect world, we would unchain the
shackles of our daily lives and spend every waking
moment in a heady gluttony of the season's outdoor
fancies.
Instead, we're all fused to the television, watching
the glories of May Sweeps. Don't deny it! You've
carved out a canyon in the couch, stockpiled
half-priced Cadbury Easter Eggs, and forgotten all
about Mother's Day just so you can spend
the next month of your life in front of the tube,
eating up the Dukes of Hazzard reunion movie like
it was the first sunrise of your life. Who can blame
you?
In May, the networks put on a dazzling display of
tears, nostalgia and big-budget movie stars
masquerading as lowly TV munchkins. It's not really
for the viewers; it's for the Nielsen's — May is
one of four months during the year that the Nielsen Media Research Company sends
out booklets to 100,000 representative viewers in all
210 national television markets, literally "sweeping"
the nation in their measurements of a month of
television habits. We, as an audience, are being
taken advantage of, sold down the river for the
coveted TV-viewing practices of a measly few. This
random population's fickle TV delights will decide
advertisement rates and TV show destinies for the rest
of the year. They could, conceivably, make the CBS
"Jesus" TV-Movie bigger than the Superbowl. The rest
of us, however, are too stoned with TV-love to notice
that May's TV schedule misrepresents the schlock the
networks churn out for the other 11 months of the
year. Sadly, we peasants are powerless.
This year is a carbon copy of all the rest —
Ellen's a lesbian! George Clooney's a movie star??
— and yet, we so desperately want it to be
special; after all, this is our one chance for a few
brief moments away from real life events, away from
Elián, away from the bumbling sons of
politicians. We latch on to any glimmer of fool's
gold and call it amazing, groundbreaking television.
"Beverly Hills 90210" is going off the air after 10
seasons. 10 SEASONS. Although the last six
years were nothing more than rich kids and ridiculous
haircuts, there is some sense of nostalgia in
thinking that Steve will never, ever, find a job
anywhere else. So, too, does "Party of Five," take
its leave, forcing fans to turn away from the
catastrophe-plagued Salinger family back to their own,
actual problems.
Big star Bruce Willis and gun-toter Tom Selleck will
appear on "Friends," and Monica and Chandler will get
married, or have a baby or trade quick-witted quips or
something; Rob Lowe's little brother Chad will
incarnate the still-warm John Denver; NBC will
resurrect and promptly entomb the '70s; and swinging
celebrities like Drew Carey and Queen Latifah will
show off their multiple choice skills with Regis on
a series of specials that would be more aptly titled:
"But, I'm Already A Millionaire!"
But, really, my money's on the aforementioned Dukes of
Hazzard reunion movie. Daisy, Luke, Bo and Roscoe P.
Coltrane are back in action, this time taking on
Hollywood. Sounds like them Duke boys is fish outta
water! While the rest of May Sweeps are marshmallow
fluff and hamster feed, the Dukes of Hazzard movie
will promote real discussions of issues integral to
the fabric of our nation by ushering in round two of a
political debate that has been brewing in Washington
for months: Will the Confederate Flag be removed from
the Duke boys' General Lee? Let's make this May
the year the sweeps reunite our country.
— Sara J. Brenneis (sara at flakmag dot com)
