John Smith

It began as a simple, honest quest.

The quest: to explore the meaning of being named John Smith. How would it feel to be named John Smith? Does it get frustrating? Was the naming just the result of bored parents, or a typographical mistake?

The method: over 20 John Smiths at institutions of higher education were e-mailed for their opinions.

The result: one very, very angry reply, from John Smith.

"You know, I've looked at your web site listed. It's amazing what you younger people consider entertainment,"

begins John. This isn't a great sign.

"I thought I heard it all, all the smirks, fringe comments, looks that accompany my name, but this takes the cake. I don't know whether to be flattered or severely insulted. Think I'll lean towards the insulted,"

he continues, building up an head of steam,

"Why? Well, after looking at your "Flakmagazine" web site, it's clear to me you want to parade me around, like some new found toy. '...Dude, I found someone named 'John Smith'. Isn't that awesome?...'"

Kids our age, of course, often say awesome, as well as dude.

"I've been on this planet a long time, and I would probably bet a lot longer then you. Seen a lot shit go down. Watched Vietnam at the dinner table at a young age - watching people die. Seen practically all of the Apollo lift-off's live on TV. Kent State. Bombing of Sterling Hall."

This brings the mood down, and also makes the reader think that students just aren't as young as they used to be. Then he waxes philosophical:

"Seems to me there is no initiative and cleverness left in anyone - it must be easier just to "copy", or make it "retro", things that have already been done. Like bringing back those God damn bell-bottom jeans - complete with the triangle patch to make the "bell" even larger."

...only to conclude with a very John Smithian explosion of pure, primal, Smithsational rage:

"You want me to tell you what it is like to be a 'John Smith'. Fuck you. I don't think it is any of your business. I tell you what. You tell me every little detail about you, and your parents. Let me question your parents thought process on naming you. Were your parents in a hurry? Implying a quicky in the car? Liked the sound of it? Too stupid to come up with any other name? What the hell kinda' questions are these?

"You post my "bio" in your lame magazine that will influence SO many people to start voting, to turn off the hype, to care more about the world around them - not themselves. I'll post your "bio" on billboards all across America, so everyone knows all about you exist [sic]. And is YOUR existence just for MY entertainment?!?!?!"

There it is, folks.

5% of American John Smiths are heavily alienated by the generation gap.

90% are simply indifferent.

And the other 5 percent? Check out the newly uncovered and Johnpletely Smithtastic data that reveals a positive trend for those of us bemoaning the fate of Smithdom.

— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com)