Shandell, Blitz's Subway Ads

Anyone who's been on the New York subway knows there is a limited variety of advertising likely to appear above their seats. Occasionally a company such as Kenneth Cole or Nike will rent out an entire car, but the typical signage is a melange of ads for dubious cosmetic surgery operations, paternity testing services, bottom-tier colleges and law offices. And if one were to poll riders on which ads offered the best potential for amusement, they'd likely rank them in just that order — because really, how can a bland law practice compete with ads for Dr. Z's chemical peel and Botox clinic?

Those who have ridden New York subways recently, however, may have noticed a series of ads that flip the entire ranking on its head, ads for the small law practice of Shandell, Blitz, Blitz & Bookson. Shandell, Blitz isn't, on the surface, an out-there firm; they don't specialize in alien abductions or suits against the carrot industry. Like most other subway firms, they do personal injury, promising "to provide injured people with a level of personal service that helps get them through difficult times and get them compensated for their injuries."

No, it's the ads themselves that put Shandell, Blitz at the top of the subway-ad entertainment chain. Simply put, each ad (in a series of six) shows a stylized, monochromatic character in the middle of an excruciating accident. (The ads are viewable at website. There's "medical malpractice." There's "scaffolding." There's "lead paint." There's "keep hands clear of moving machinery."

The clincher? In every ad, the victim is smiling. Smiling a big, toothless, "thanks to Shandell Blitz I'm about to get P-A-I-D" smile. "Dangerous intersection," for example, shows a smiling victim flying through the windshield of his car, headed straight for the driver's-side window of the guy he just rammed into. And, as in all the ads, he's not just smiling. He's flashing a big thumbs-up — to make sure you realize that this accident, should he survive it, will be a litigious windfall. (Thanks to the ads' crude stylizing, his thumbs actually look like bananas, but that's beside the point. This guy is looking beyond the pain.)

In "medical malpractice," a doctor and a nurse are standing over a patient on an operating table; the doctor has his hands inside the patient's chest as — whoops! — the guy's heart goes sailing across the room. But the patient is smiling and giving a hearty thumbs-up. He knows he'll get a big reward, because not only did the doctor just spring his heart clear out of his chest, but he forgot to anaesthetize him! Hoo-ha. That's a lot of simoleons. The doctor and the nurse, like the other driver in "dangerous intersection," aren't smiling, though — they've got big "O"s for mouths. No soup for you!

The most disturbing ad is "lead poisoning." Here, a baby sits in a crib while its mother stands beside it, smiling and thumbs-upping. Lead poisoning is a big issue in American tort law and clearly an important part of Shandell, Blitz's practice, so it's imperative that they tell people about their skills in winning lead-related cases. The problem, though, is how to visualize it — lead doesn't maim in quite as dramatic a way as, say, falling off a ladder or getting launched through your windshield.

The answer? Put the baby in a gas mask. It may be smiling; it's impossible to tell. It is giving a thumbs-up, though, which indicates that its mental functions have fortunately yet to be seriously impaired by the obviously toxic levels of lead seeping through its house. Still, it's creepy. But what makes this ad perhaps the most disturbing of them all is the mother's grin. Her baby is wearing a gas mask, its brain possibly already giving in to the deadly effects of household lead, and all she can think about is the cash.

If you're lucky, you'll encounter these ads in the following order: first, the relatively innocuous ones, "construction," "scaffolding" and "keep your hands clear of moving machinery," all showing non-fatal injuries. Then you'll run into "dangerous intersection" — freaky, disturbing, but still pretty funny. Then it's "medical malpractice." Hilarious, in a macabre, Evil Dead II sort of way. Hopefully, you won't see "lead poisoning" until the end. At first you'll laugh. While you'll be no closer to calling Shandell, Blitz for their services, you might consider calling and asking who does their graphics, and whether he or she has a Cartoon Network program in the works.

But if you look at it long enough, you'll start feeling a bit uncomfortable. Why is the mother smiling? What's in it for her except a mentally handicapped kid, high medical bills and a house full of poison? Cash, you'll realize. Cold and hard. She might even ditch the baby — or let it "fall" from a ladder for extra dough. You'll get off the train, and as you walk out of the station you'll think to yourself, "Yeah, I'm gonna call Shandell, Blitz. But instead of asking about their graphics guy, I'm gonna say, 'What kind of sick, shallow world do you think we live in?'"

— Clay Risen (clay@flakmag.com)