South African English
Americans, like all citizens of former British colonies, are well positioned to understand the rebellious need to modify the language of our imperial ancestors. We former colonies are just defiant teenagers at heart; my own time spent in London resembled a wayward child being sent home to reflect on her linguistic sins. Many a Brit would chastise me for the grave errors in spelling or pronunciation that I claimed as proper English. But even the most subversive of Americans will find instruction in the South African tactics described below.
Tactic No. 1: Linguistic Expediency
The English language was not created with efficiency in mind. In fact,
it can be argued that many proper English (read: British) speakers
actually delight in using as many words as possible to say as little as
possible. While some may define this sort of speech marathon as evidence
of good breeding, South Africans go the extra mile to fight the tradition.
One tactic is combining words: the art of forgoing proper pronunciation to eliminate the need for extraneous words. Texans (like myself) understand that merging words into catch-all phrases saves energy, while still getting the point across. "Y'all" is a great example. Amazingly, South Africans rival Texans at the art of word combining. Case in point: the uniquely South
African phrase Howzit?. Howzit consolidates "How are things going?", "Are things ok with you?", and "Exactly how are you on this fine day that we're having?" Howzit can be used in most any social or work-related situation — both formal and informal. It's efficiency a Texan can take pride in.
Alternatively, defiant English speakers may choose to simply eliminate
words altogether. South Africans have taken this to a laudable scale,
often reducing phrases to a single word. For example, the service
industry in South Africa has been modernized by the reduction of
the antiquated phrase "It's my pleasure" to simply, pleasure. Usually said with the utmost cheeriness, the word efficiently acts as the American phrase "You're welcome." Furthermore, by simply changing the intonation to indicate disdain or utter indifference, the pleasure can take on a host of different meanings, including (again, most often evident in the service industry), the concept that the pleasure in question is distinctly not a pleasure.
Tactic No. 2: Strategic Incomprehensibility
One of the most productive ways to distort language is to use it
in a way that is structurally incomprehensible to outsiders. While Americans have used this tactic in the past, the prevalence of American English in Hollywood has seriously undermined its effectiveness. Fortunately, our South African counterparts have been secretly adopting incomprehensible English phrases for the past two centuries, virtually unbeknownst to the rest of the world, creating a treasure trove of dissident vocabulary.
Visitors to South Africa are forever puzzled by the use of the phrase Izzit?. Similar to Howzit?, this phrase combines the words
"Is" and "It" to form a frequently used question. The twist
here, however, is that izzit can be used in almost any situation,
regardless of grammatical integrity. You might say: "Geez, it's pretty hot
outside today," and the South African would reply, with a questioning
look: "Izzit?" Or, you might remark, "South Africans seem to like
beer even more than Americans", which would prompt a hearty
handshake and an "Izzit!" from your average South African. In an
act of desperation, you could yell, "Under my rental car agreement, it
states that I should receive 100 free kilometers per day!" to which
the South African car rental representative would dismissively say
"izzit," and turn to the next customer.
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Glossary
Howzit: "What's up?"; "How are you?"
Pleasure: "You're welcome."; "No problem."; "They're
paying me to do it."
Izzit: "Really?"; "You're kidding!?"
Just Now: "In a little while."; "When I get around to it."
Now Now: "Pretty soon."; "In a minute."
Now: "Maybe"; "I'll let you know"; "Never."
Braai: "Barbecue"; "Meat and booze"
Lekker: "Cool."; "Great, it's a plan."
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South Africans have also creatively turned a casual national attitude
toward punctuality into a collection of incomprehensible phrases
regarding time. The word now spans the timeframe of "this very instant" all the way to "the very distant future." In order to clarify things, South Africans use the phrase just now to mean "sometime in the near future" and now now to mean "very soon, though I may change my mind". Just bear in mind: if the word now is used, you can be very secure that you will have to wait a long while.
Tactic No. 3: Alternative Language Adoption
Finally, for English speakers who have exhausted all known tactics for subverting their native language, it's appropriate to adopt other languages in order to thoroughly confuse the outsider. Like most former colonies, South Africa is fortunate enough to have had multiple aspiring imperialist groups cross its shores, thereby allowing South Africans to draw upon several linguistic traditions. Most prominent, of course, is Afrikaans, itself a prime example of how a language (in this case Dutch) can be thoroughly exploited and modified by a raucous colony. Any true South African can effectively sprinkle Afrikaans words liberally into his or her English speech, creating a slang that is virtually unintelligible to proper English speakers.
The use of Afrikaans words is most prevalent in social situations,
thereby easily allowing South Africans to assert their national identity
and exclude non-South Africans from the conversation at will. For
example, as a visitor to this country, you will most likely be invited to a
braai by the first South African that you meet as you step off the
plane. As an English-speaker, you will not understand that this is an
informal barbecue, as opposed to some form of Apartheid-era torture for
tourists. If your hospitable South African truly would like to include you
at his braai, he will explain to you the origins of the word; if not,
he will simply laugh and move on.
Afrikaans slang words are often used in conjunction with phrases described above. English speakers beginning to comprehend the vast irregularities of South African speech will thus be confounded yet again. The use of lekker (literally interpreted: nice; figuratively interpreted: cool); is frequently employed in this pursuit. A typical conversation, therefore could go something like this:
South African #1: Howzit?
South African #2: Lekker. Howzit?
South African #1: Lekker. It's pretty hot outside today.
South African #2: Izzit? Should we go have a beer just now, then?
South African #1: Lekker. Now now.
South African #2: Ok, I'll see you later then.
South African #1: Ja, at the braai, now.
Fortunately for the English-speaking former colonies of the world, the
devolution of the English language should continue apace in South
Africa. In the last decade, the government has deemed 11 languages to
be officially South African, and there should be no abatement in the
resulting cross-contamination. Even more encouraging, South Africans are
increasingly crossing continents for both work and travel, thereby
spreading their unique version of the language abroad. As revolutionary
English-speakers, it is essential that we do not rest on our laurels and
allow proper English to drift back into common use. Through the use of
tactics such as those employed by our counterparts in South Africa, the insurgency will not be in vain.
— Cynthia Schweer (cynthia_schweer@yahoo.com)
— graphic by Alison Paddock (arpdesigns@hotmail.com)
