Phones These Days

It's taken a while, but you've finally got the baby to sleep. You'd like to keep the little angel down a bit longer this time, so you pre-empt likely disturbances: you turn off the Baby Mozart CD, shut the windows against untimely sirens, put a note on the door for FedEx to leave the package on the porch.

And now, the phone. If this were 1983, you would lift the heavy black Ma Bell special and thumb the ringer volume wheel on its underside all the way to the left. In 1993, you could use a switch on the side or end of the cordless handset to silence the microchip's chirp. But it's 2003, and your baby faces sleep disruptions of historic levels.

Take the VTech VT5831, a top-of-the-line cordless 5.8 GHz model with a separate base station and handset charger that allows expansion to eight handsets on the same jack. From its brushed-nickel-style exterior to the cool blue of its backlit keypad, the VTech promises the phone experience of tomorrow, today. An LCD display on the handset — and its twin on the base station — provide access to a wealth of functionality and let you tailor every aspect of the phone according your preferences: vibrate control, ringer melody, low battery tone, out-of-range tone — even the contrast level of the display itself.

But wait — there's more. A Sound Select button beckons intriguingly from the lower right corner of the handset. Press it, and you're offered a choice among Natural Audio, Bass Boost, Mid Boost and Treble Boost (the LCD graphic shows two sliders for each frequency range, suggesting stereo sound to any customer feeble-minded enough to believe it). With as few as two keystrokes, you can treat your ears to a customized phone listening experience that will make them the envy of the neighborhood.

But — oh yes, the baby! Already he's fussing. Where is that Ringer On/Off switch? Alas, consigned to the dust heap of telephone history. Instead, you must press Menu->Down Arrow->Down Arrow->Handset Settings->Ringer Volume->Left Arrow->Left Arrow. That's seven keystrokes, each accompanied by its own Bleep. (You'll repeat the entire tiresome process later to restore the ring). But the worst is yet to come: an ascending three-note arpeggio that confirms your choice at the highest volume yet, regardless of your previously indicated desire for quiet: BLOO-LOO-LOOP! Followed immediately by: WAAA-A-A-A-AH! It's back to the rocking chair for baby and you.

How could VTech do this to you? In fairness, they're not alone. The Panasonic KX-TG2382B, a handsome model at the top of the 2.4 GHz class, compels a similar do-si-doh to silence its calls. The days of one-touch, surreptitious handset stilling are gone.

But not everyone has an infant child, you say. Fine. One day you will, and then you'll understand. Or — has it been so long that you've forgotten what it's like? Then again, perhaps you're a non-breeder for reasons of lifestyle, biology or population control ideology.

Fine. Nonetheless — eight keystrokes to silence a handset? One of the most basic and common functions the phone user has need to perform (you're taking a nap — you're watching a suspenseful video — you're in the middle of another call on your cell phone — you're sleeping in — you're being stalked — you're listening to "This American Life" — you've got a migraine from setting up your TiVo), and it takes four times as many steps as it does to apply Treble Boost?

Please.

— J. Daniel Janzen (dan at clownyard dot com)

— graphic by Derek Evernden (derek@ocellus.net)