Things are going poorly when you're eating macaroni and cheese. You know it. You're familiar with the feeling. You probably have a friendly little nickname for it: mac-n-cheese. Good 'ol mac-n-cheese. Good 'ol poverty, slothful squalor and self-loathing. And cheese.
As one of the Five Great Staple Foods of Last Resort (along with bagels, ramen, pasta with canned sauce and cheese sandwiches) a regular diet of mac-n-cheese means that some part of your life has derailed and gone straight into a ditch. Its minimal nutritional value, bland flavor, cheap price, infinite shelf life and ease of preparation make it the perfect food for college students or monkish deviants denying themselves all sensual pleasures.
Last weekend, I made a box of mac-n-cheese for myself. It was a melancholy event. Days of homecooked semi-gourmet meals had come to an end, vanquished by a brutal schedule and a filthy, almost bacheloresque kitchen. Bringing the water to a boil, I wistfully remembered a particularly good lamb stew. Then, following directions, I poured in the pasta portion of the mac-n-cheese.
Unusually, it sizzled.
There was brown seasoning bobbing in the water's froth.
Brown seasoning? This is plain 'ol Annie's Macaroni and Cheese. There ain't no brown seasoning in that. Time to pick up a metal spoon and see what this stuff is. Oh, yes. Of course. That's not brown seasoning. It's a floating layer of boiled moth larvae!!!
The upside to such an experience is a two-day ticket to not feeling hungry, at all. The downside is a lifetime of nightmares.
Like most traumatic things in life, a brush with nature's foul side brings knowledge. For example:
* Mature Indian meal moth larvae are usually dirty white, but may vary to greenish, pinkish, or brownish, depending on the food they eat
* The Indian meal moth originated in the Old World, but now occurs around the world
* The Indian meal moth female lays 100-400 eggs, singly or in small groups, on food material during a 1-18 day period of time
Fucking meal moths.
The only solution is to throw out all your infested grain products, vacuum your shelves and kitchen, mutter obscenities and pray they don't come back. Hard.
And eat some real food, while you're at it.
— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com)
