Making Time in Manhattan

Think you can get around New York with just some lame street map? Fuggedaboudit! Every visitor to the Big Apple should be aware that in these parts, knowing where you're going may be half the battle, but getting there is the war. Make no mistake, Wildcats, this is not Manhattan, Kan.

Navigating New York would be confusing even without block after block of sidewalk gridlock. It's hard enough to keep an eye out for reckless cabbies, crazy people and hot women without needing to worry about bracing yourself for more collisions than an NFL fullback.

Even for experienced visitors, weaving through Gotham's crowded streets and avenues can be a baffling ordeal. Between hurrying commuters swinging what feels like briefcases full of rocks, power shoppers wielding bulging Gucci bags and a colorful patchwork of other animal, vegetable and mineral obstacles, odds are you're going to get knocked on your out-of-town ass.

But all is not lost. Following are several priceless tips for walking Broadway like a native. All are guaranteed to part the crowd in front of you like the Red Sea, and perhaps most importantly, none will get you pinched for indecent exposure.

The Ice Cream Cone: A move favored by the masters. Nothing says get out of my way like a melting glob of Rocky Road. Just hold the cone in front of you at chest level with the ice cream portion (very important) facing toward oncoming traffic. If you can't figure out what happens if you hold the top toward your own chest, maybe it's best you remain in Oshkosh. Walk as quickly as you please with no worries. Even the most determined pedestrian will climb a wall like a rodeo clown rather than get a spot of chocolate on his or her Armani or Donna Karan.

Note: For the bargain-seeker, a pretzel dripping with mustard works almost as well, and is only a $1 investment at most vendors.

The Baby Stroller: It's amazing how many otherwise sweet young women turn into frustrated stock car drivers when they get behind the squeaky wheels of a stroller. These women will put you into the wall, and they'll do it with a smile. If you're around the Upper East Side during Sunday brunch hours, walk in the street. It's safer. But you don't need to be female and you don't need to have a baby to use this one. Buy a rickety stroller and a cheap doll — it doesn't matter how fake or how ugly; people rarely look. If they do notice, they'll probably move to avoid you even faster.

Note: Works best when you travel in a pack. Convince a couple of friends to join you, line up three abreast and watch people leap off curbs. You'll feel like members of the Hells Angels.

A Big, Beautiful Smile: This is Manhattan, need I say more? Very cheap, though cheek fatigue can play a factor.

The Golf Umbrella: Don't play golf? That shows taste, but the obnoxious umbrella that can comfortably shelter a family of four is essential. You've all seen them, they usually have the names of financial companies on them — kind of a "We know we foolishly frittered away your money, but hey, have we got a big goddamned umbrella for you," type of thing. Find someone who either golfs or works for one of these companies (Hint: they're usually one and the same) and demand an umbrella from them as the price of listening to boring golf stories. Once you have the umbrella, just coax her open, hold firmly and walk in a zigzag pattern for unpredictability. You won't make many friends, but you'll always arrive on time.

Note: Works best with rain, but precipitation is not a necessity.

A Battered Wax Cup: Put a few cents in it, wave it from side to side, and scream, "Please!" every five or 10 seconds. This is demeaning, and you certainly can't be dressed for a party while executing this plan, but it has the added benefit of making room behind you if you're loud enough. Which is nice if you're just out for a stroll.

Note: Don't be cheap, give whatever change you collect to a legitimate street person. Yes, it's OK to keep any bills.

And when all else fails: "EXCUSE ME! Have you found Jesus?"

— Ian Schwartz (iansschwartz@yahoo.com)

— graphic by D.P. Barsam (barsam@hotpop.com)