Flak Magazine: Luciano D'Orazio

Be advised that one Luciano D'Orazio is being remanded to your custody. To be quite honest, we are well rid of him. His delusions of grandeur, his debauchery, his hallucinations, and his rampant schizophrenia have made him an embarrassment to the mentally unstable. Just look at the file photo, as was taken at the inmate production of "Spartacus," which ended in an orgy with the nymphomaniac ward and pitched battles between the manic depressives and the Tourette's patients, much to his depraved amusement. But this is no isolated incident. Consider the case history:

— Born in Brooklyn in 1977, he immediately attempted to denounce little Mikhail, the Russian newborn two cribs down, as a KGB agent. Expelled prematurely from Lutheran Medical Center after subsequently accusing the staff of "coddling Communists."

— Adolescence in bucolic Deer Park, Long Island only worsened his condition. A memorable episode involved a blown football play when Luciano ran across from the line of scrimmage, screaming something about Blenheim and "Let's kill the hated French!" When the remaining players refused to follow, he had the starting quarterback broken at the wheel.

— At Georgetown University's School of Foreign Service, accepted partly out of pity but mostly out of being the only one to find Blenheim on a map, his schizophrenia surfaced as a certain "Clay Risen" appeared to him. He consistently claims this "Clay" is some great editor, shouting, "Only Clay can edit my work — keep off you hacks, you [expletive] amateurs!" We have seen an alleged photo of this "Clay" and we cannot believe a person of such a volume of hair can exist.

— After reluctantly granting Luciano a degree, the good Jesuits of Georgetown remanded him to our care, where his delusions worsened. He claims that for three years he worked at Voter News Service as a research manager and was responsible for fixing the 2000 presidential election. He managed to build an election center in the hospital, working inmates to death for non-existent election returns. We found his claim impossible since the 2000 situation is defined less by insanity and more by stupidity.

— Recently, this "Clay" person re-surfaced and told him to write for a web magazine called Flak. Although we doubted the magazine's existence, we thought this would be therapeutic. However, his delusions became more pronounced. To date he claims to be Lord Marlborough, Boss Tweed, Theodore Roosevelt, Lord Byron, Caligula, Jack Kerouac, Caligula again, Eugene O'Neill, Caligula a third time, Juan Peron, Benito Mussolini, and at times Dean Martin (usually when he's drinking.)

The "Spartacus" incident was the last straw. The last of a long line of prowlings in the nymphomaniac ward, mind games with the catatonic, three-card monte with the autistic, and a host of other depravities beyond description. After searching the web and identifying the existence of Flak, we are handing him to you, to do what you will.

He can be kept comfortable if he is shown old Simpsons episodes, Italian films, and winning games of his favorite teams, namely the New York Giants, Juventus of Turin, the New York Rangers, and the Georgetown Hoyas (when available). Please do not mention France, Communists, Cubism, Duke University, Syracuse University, Internazionale of Milan, Real Madrid, Manchester United, the Dallas Cowboys, The New Jersey Devils, post-modernism, modern musicals, and anything involving the words "nouveau" or "reform." All of this interferes with his medication.

Any questions, ask your local mental health provider. Good riddance.

Sincerely,

The Staff, Pilgrim State Psychiatric Hospital

PS: We really don't think he's that good of a writer anyway. At least the Marquis de Sade proofread once in a while.

— Luciano D'Orazio (loudogs1@aol.com)