Limousines

There's an old joke that riding in a limousine sends a certain message to the masses, and that the message is: "I have 70 dollars."

That's only the half of it.

If you're a radio or television producer on tour from affiliate station to affiliate station, you may well find yourself in the position of being taken from the hotel to the venue (and back) in a classic stretch limo.

It's a terrible experience.

First of all, because you're being ferried around during work hours, you can't drink the bourbon.

Second: Because the bourbon comes in an anonymous pump-dispenser style glass bottle, it's probably of unspeakably bad quality, anyway.

Third: It's far from comfortable sitting sideways on a squeaky black leatheresque wall-mounted couch.

Fourth: it's embarassing to step out of a limousine when you're not the talent. Onlookers invariably think: "Hey! Check it out! It's... some dude." Or: "Hey! Check it out! It's that famous guy, followed by... some dude."

Fifth: Anyone observant has been conditioned to think that limo passengers tend to be douchebags and/or attending a movie premiere. Therefore, observant limo passengers instantly feel like douchebags, unless they're attending a movie premiere. In which case, they're still deeply conscious of the fact that plenty of douchebags attend movie premieres in limos, so they're not by any means off the hook.

Sixth: The tinted-window Hummer or generic SUV eclipsed the limo as the "cool guy" vehicle of choice in, oh, 1996 or so.

Seventh: Unlike passengers in the classic arcade game "Spy Hunter," you are not legally allowed to pop out of the side of the car and shoot a shotgun at a pursuing red car driven by a homicidal secret agent.

So, the next time you see a limousine creep slowly down the avenue, don't envy its occupants.

Shed a tear for them. Don't let them suffer in silence. They've got it rougher than you can possibly imagine.

— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com)