Lego Fun Snacks
Let's tell it like it is. Fruit snacks are terrible. Their insipid, gelatinous, uninspired candy-sweet fruit flavors appeal only to children and idiots. Fruit snacks, in short, are the perfect recreational treat for a nation raising 10 million future gastric bypass candidates.
That said, some snacks are better than others. And some are far, far worse.
This is a review of snacks that fall firmly into the latter category.
The non-stacking Nutrition-Free Lego Fun Snacks don't actually explicitly claim to be stackable. But the box's cover art does depict fruit snacks with raised Lego bumps on their tops. And the cover art shows a purple square snack putting itself into a perfect position to mount up on a red square snack. The single-serving packets are even more promising — they depict five Lego snacks stacked in a neat pile, with a sixth descending magically to join the pile.
 |
Reader Email
"Very young children are going to try and eat their Lego toy blocks as candy..."
More ›
|
|
|
And let's also remember that the snacks are named after Legos, the stackable toys known for being stackable.
Legos are geometrically shaped. They have little nubs. They come in different colors. But the thing that makes them fun is that YOU CAN STACK THEM IN ORDER TO BUILD THINGS.
So these are not really Lego Fun Snacks. They are Lego Snacks. But only if your idea of a snack is floppy, almost totally flavorless piece of sweetened gelatin that can't in any way be stacked on top of a similarly shaped piece of sweetened gelatin.
To try to compensate for the rank shortfalls of their sub-standard fruit snacks, the marketing drones at Kellogg's and Lego have created a box-mounted presentation entitled "Build a New Flavor!"
For example: "Grape + Cherry = Graperry." Or, "Orange + Grape = Orangrape."
This, of course, suggests a very severe penitionary for violent orangutans.
"Look to your left. Look to your right. By the time you leave here, one of these orangutans will have been orango-raped."
That's pretty grim, Lego. I hope you're proud of your so-called fun snacks.
— James Norton (jim@flakmag.com)
