Jujubes

Jujubes are not to be confused with Jujyfruits. Jujy fruits are soft gummy fruit candy purchasable at movie theaters and Walgreens. Jujubes once were sold at theaters, but no longer. They rarely appear at Walgreens, but are at our local grocery warehouse here in Madison. They are small, colored, tapered cylinders of sugar with a hardened tar-like consistency, and they are the best candy ever invented.

First off, they require a certain amount of skill to consume safely. If you bite too hard or too long, they attach themselves to your teeth like an alien tooth decay monster, bent on revenge. They are known to extract fillings on their removal. Safe eating requires both the appropriate amount of pressure and a constant rolling motion of the jaw to prevent the jujube from flattening out too much (I think too much surface area is the culprit for the worst cases of sticking). I can't think of any other candy that is so extreme.

Secondly, Jujubes improve as they age. While there are dissenters, I find the hardened jujubes more satisfying. You really just have to chew the hell out of them before you can even think of digesting them.

Finally, they are time consuming. A 89-cent box will take at least an hour to finish off, and that's only with fanatical effort. A box can easily take you through even the longest movie, given any sort of self moderation. Also adding to time is that people will rarely want you to share. Fools.

Jujubes are to consumers as Dune is to Fremen: its harsh, challenging nature hardens you into a candy-eating warrior, capable of eating rocks dipped into Pixie sticks if necessary. You can feel your jaw ache after the intense amount of calories burned while gnawing away. This type of mandibular might can come in handy.

— Dan Norton)