That's right, southeastern Austria is blessed with one of the highest concentrations of garden gnomes in the world. More than just a domestic decoration, these guys are status symbols. In America, we tend to look down on tacky yard paraphenalia like pink flamingos and fountains; in many parts of Europe, they stand for success (There is actually a Gnome reserve and Museum located in Devonshire, England). Some yards around me boast as many as five or six gnomes, which, at around $200 a pop, really is quite a showing of wealth and power.

Being a good journalist, I did some background research, and I learned that according to Old German lore, the garden gnome is a good luck charm, a symbol that the forces of nature are on your side. According to legend, garden gnomes help with chores around the home, like sweeping the barn and feeding the chickens.

And this is good. Where would we be without the little people? But now here's the thing: a lot of the gnomes I run into don't seem to be doing their supernatural best to help out; in fact, a lot of them are sunbathing, taking a walk, or chugging a beer. Now, we all need to chill out from time to time. But these guys all have that glazed-over look in their eyes, like they've had a little too much pot or are at the end of a five-day bender. There's even one dude down the road from me hunched over a barrel that reads "bier" (that's German for "beer," FYI), stein in hand, with a look like he wants to kill something. With gnomes like these, who needs trolls?

Of course, I'm being unfair. Most garden gnomes (whose name derives from the Old German "Kuba-Walda," or home administrator) I've seen are industrious, helpful little fellas, and the majority have been hard at work shoveling dirt, pushing wheelbarrows and watching after local wildlife (albeit very small local wildlife). It's just that the more I learn about garden gnome lore, the less secure I feel about their abilities to carry out their job.

For instance, one web site has this to say about the garden gnome:

"His nature is on the somber side, and he rather enjoys telling melancholy tales. If he begins to feel too closed in, he simply goes to the woods. But, as he is quite learned, he sometimes feels out of place there."

Hey little buddy, I know how it is. We all feel a bit down sometimes. That being said, I'm not sure I want a manic depressive as my "home administrator." I also learned that gnomes are given to partying a lot, but are in turn unable to really wind down after a long day of work. So it shouldn't be surprising that garden gnomes are so given to depression. This, again, is not a good sign in a nation's workforce.

If it sounds like I'm taking the whole garden-gnome-lore thing a little too far, it's because a lot of people here in central Europe do as well. Everyone has their superstitions, and these folks are no exception. Gnomes give them solace, and this, if nothing else, is a good enough reason for me. It just seems too bad that while our good luck symbols – rabbits' feet, pennies – are attractive and unassuming, they get stuck with the ones that make their yards look like Disney on acid.

— Clay Risen (clay@flakmag.com)