Custom-Printed M&M's
For well over six decades, the amount of information carried by M&Ms has been limited to a single character, which, invariably, happens to be "M." This rarely facilitates nuanced communication.
Now, responding to a incredible grassroots demand in today's post-9/11 world, the parent company of M&Ms has decided to let its customers print detailed messages on the back of custom-forged candies.
The minimum order is four 7 oz. bags (at $11.50 a piece), so you need to pick a message that you're really committed to.
But that message better not include any product or business names, celebrity names or sports teams, "major events, landmarks, religious or political phrases," or names of schools or institutions.
Because that might offend someone and/or convey information.
The site's small print is even more enthusiastic about describing the boundaries of your freedom to express yourself in the idiom of candy-coated milk chocolate:
While we encourage your creativity, Masterfoods USA will not honor a request to print any "objectionable" language, acronyms, symbols, pictures, or any other graphic representation. "Objectionable" means, among other things, anything that (i) is libelous, defamatory, pornographic, sexually explicit, unlawful, racially or ethnically offensive, (ii) infringes on someone else's patent, copyright, trademark, trade secret or other property right, (iii) is something people would consider harassing, abusive, threatening, harmful, vulgar, profane, obscene, or violent, (iv) would breach a person's privacy or publicity rights, (v) is a misrepresentation of facts, (vi) hate speech, (vii) encourages others to break the law in any way, or (viii) is otherwise inappropriate.
"HAVE A NICE DAY" would probably make it through this finely-woven legal mesh, but just barely.
In an effort to stop consumers from expressing any thought that may specifically comment on any proper noun or potentially offensive concept, the site even features a pop-up window that stops you from submitting verboten M&Ms.
"Sorry we can not print potentially offensive or inappropriate messages. Please enter a different message or call 1-888-696-6788 for further assistance," it says in a gently scolding manner.
The following M&Ms triggered the pop-up alarm:
CONGRATS DICK
BLOW ME
69 DIVA
ANAL BOMB
But the following ideas — according to the site's in-house naughty list — are A-OK:
THAR SHE BLOWS
HE BLOWS GOATS
BLOWS A WANG
BLOW MY WANG
NIPPLE LORD
URINE VITED
TOOL STROKER
DIRTY SANCHEZ
LEATHER SLAVE
OPRAH GASM
FELCH KING
DONKEY LOVER
BALL LICKER
SUPER DILDO
GASH HOUND
It's entirely possible, if not probable, that Masterfoods USA has interns skimming the list of orders to make sure that there isn't an office going-away party ruined by smuggled-in chocolate candies that read "GO POUND SAND" and "COOTER FACE."
And — let's be frank — there's no reason for the Masterfoods company to do anything but act like the narrowminded prudish censorious grannies that populate their corporate lawyers' extremely uninteresting dreams. They're a major corporation, and freedom of expression is a real liability.
This does create, however, a lucrative niche market for a daring little chocolatier with the courage — nay, the patriotic fortitude — to allow and even celebrate its customers' rights to order candy-coated edibles that proudly say "I'M AN AMERICAN LABIA."
Capitalism: it taketh away. And, thankfully, it giveth.
— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com)
