0-3: The Only Years You Can Learn Anything

To hear many parents and child experts talk, the ages of birth to 3 years old are so critical to learning that if you don't get the maximum brain development during that time, you may as well get ready for life as a fast-food employee or community college student.

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Hence, there's a cottage industry of flash cards, pre-preschools, music classes, language classes, educational toys and whatnot aimed toward guilt-ridden parents who are sure Harvard University will never come calling unless their child is speaking Farsi and playing Rachmaninoff by age 4. It has been said that you can never underestimate the intelligence of the American public; you can apply this to the smart and educated when you're selling a product that purports to be smart and educational.

Of course, there's no doubt that the early years of life, rather than being an unending series of making wee-wee and burping up your food, is essential to learning the important lessons of life. However, the real lessons are something no Kindermusik program can provide:

• If people can't control you, they will try to punish you for it.
• To get what you want, you have to scream like crazy.
• You can get away with anything if you're cute.
• It's great to be like Mommy and Daddy; at least that's worth thinking because you'll end up like them anyway.
• If you share something you hold dear, invariably the other person will break it or mess it up.
• The things that are the most fun to do are the things that everyone will tell you not to do.
• Sometimes all you need to solve your problems is a nap.
• If you're told to do something now, find a way to stall.
• Women's breasts are the most wonderful, magical, life-giving objects in the world. (This one may apply mostly to males.)
• Cartoons are the best entertainment.
• There will always be an internal tension between wanting the power and ability to do everything yourself or having the comfort of having it all done for you.
• If someone strikes you as creepy, it's because they are.
• The joy of art is spontaneity.
• Everyone is motivated by self-interest. Especially you.
• Nothing is as satisfying as a good poop.

— Bob Cook (bobc@flakmag.com)