Rock fan fiction
It all started with Mr. Spock. He was half-Vulcan, which meant he was sworn to repress nearly all emotion. But he was also half-human. What was he hiding, anyway? The show got canceled before Star Trek fans could find out. Might he be denying his own forbidden longing for the handsome Captain James T. Kirk, or even Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy? In fan fiction, the answer was "yes" to both questions.
Now every good nerd knows there exists fan fiction exploring every made-up sexual tension you could imagine, even if you probably wouldn't. Even paranormal sleuth Dana Scully and "G.I. Joe"'s Destro have probably shared a stormy night somewhere in the infinite annals of fan fiction.
But did you know there is fan fiction about real people in bands?
It's only natural that rock gods like Creed's Scott Stapp take up a place in our imagination that people in the old days reserved for Ulysses and the rest of that gang. Scott Stapp fights against the odds. There is a video where he is dodging computer-generated lightning. According to "Behind the Music," he once lost the band's money in a pyramid scheme. In the maudlin ditty "With Arms Wide Open," he says he doesn't want his son to suffer the same afflictions he's vanquished.
He is a hero.
That's why his appearance looms so large in one story, titled "Eibhleann." Despite protests that she's not interested in a serious relationship, the title woman becomes passionately involved with guitarist Mark Tremonti.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Creed family grows concerned.
Scott's eyebrow rose as Mark entered the hotel cafe, dark bags under his eyes. With a heavy sigh, Mark plopped down in the chair next to his best friend and leaned his head against the wall.
"You okay, man?" Scott asked quietly. Mark shrugged. Definitely not a good sign. "What's up?" he pressed, hoping to find out what was bothering Mark. Mark just shook his head.
Eibhleann, like so many confused women in rock videos, is exhibiting wild mood swings for no clear reason. Then the truth is revealed. She is pregnant with Tremonti's child! This allows for a twinge of morning-sickness and pro-lifeism that you wouldn't expect to find in a story about a lusty, square-jawed musician getting some action. Bummer.
Together with scenes in which Eibhleann befriends the boys in backstage belching contests and discussions of on-stage "pyro," these episodes speak volumes about how Creed fans see their idols: sensitive rockers, but more White Lion-sensitive than Pearl Jam-sensitive. They're hot-blooded and curious as to whether their groupies do more than dance — but because they're a '90s band, they are all torn up afterwards.
On FanFiction.net you can read what happens when members of a more otherworldly band, The Cure, take a routine plane trip that goes awry. They're whiling away the time with the usual randy flirtation with each other, only to suddenly find themselves on an alien planet.
You can also find out what happens to U2's wives when the men are out on the Zoo TV tour (which means there are now at least two retellings of the Odyssey set in Dublin). Reliable, boyish drummer Larry Mullen Jr., of course, has his own problems. "He is in love with Adam," goes one synopsis, and "he is gifted with supernatural powers. What would happen if both secrets were suddenly revealed?" Didn't he already reveal his supernatural powers by drumming so well on "Hawkmoon 269"?
Meanwhile, the Edge, so like Spock in his stoic Irish cool, is in love with Bono. And Bono is haunted by nightmares of characters from Anne Rice's vampire books. Wow, love really is blindness. …
Then there are action-adventure stories. Though it is disappointing not to find a single tale of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers battling the Ku Klux Klan — for some reason, certain artists don't inspire fan stories, whereas VH-1 favorites Savage Garden have inspired more than 700 — you do get a Die Hard kind of scenario in which Bono and the Edge give terrorists a taste of their own medicine. Bono, as Time magazine reports this week, knows he can save Africa only "with his head, not his heart." But this time he can only rely on his Glock.
Even these get-some scenarios tend to lapse into the sadistic id of Kirk/Spock sickbay fantasies, however. When R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe is kidnapped during a visit to the bank, author "AnnElise" (named after a gently pastoral song from 1984) dwells uncomfortably on his being slapped bloody, bound, gagged and left in a trunk, weeping. Stipe has only one thought: Peter!
That's portly, Rickenbacker-slinging guitarist Peter Buck, of course. Cut to Buck at R.E.M. HQ in Athens. He is watching CNN when something catches his eye. He tells lazy, monobrowed drummer Bill Berry (the Leonard McCoy figure here) to quit goldbricking and pay attention to the disturbing newscast.
"If anything has happened to Michael," Buck snarls at the perpetrators, "I will destroy you. I don’t know how, but I will find a way."
Leave it to Buck to crack the case with his trademark Athenian logic. By the end of the unfinished story, the rhythm section has acknowledged its mutual feelings of love. There are also strong signs the entire exortion scam was masterminded by R.E.M. lawyer Bertis Downs. Could it be Berry left the band because he felt there was too much emphasis on crime-fighting?
— John Gorenfeld (john@flakmag.com)
