You call that a slogan? Is that really your company's idea for a slogan? "Tell you" what, exactly? Is that a double entendre? Good lord — what sort of microscopic, impenetrable niche does your company have to be in for "A Swallow Will Tell You" to still be your slogan?
Answer: The coffee milk syrup niche.
There is a state — with a governor, and its own constitution and even its own senators — called Rhode Island. It's near the Atlantic, somewhere, between Maine and Virginia. And even though no one's ever been there, and it's smaller than a Chicago suburb, this state has its own official drink: coffee milk.
Is coffee not good enough? Has milk overstayed its welcome in this itty-bitty canton? While it's not clear, one thing is indisputable: Coffee milk is recognized by the powers-that-be in Rhode Island.
To understand coffee milk, it might be best to understand coffee syrup, first. Autocrat brand coffee syrup has only five listed ingredients: high fructose corn syrup, water, coffee, "other natural flavors" and potassium sorbate. The syrup, which comes out as a brown liquid of bloodlike consistency, is then mixed with milk at the following ratio: 2 Tbsp. to 8 oz.
By itself, the syrup isn't a very good time. Imagine that you like your coffee black, but also with a lot of sugar. Say, 50% coffee to 50% sugar. Then you drink off most of your coffee, leaving only the really sugary sludge at the bottom. Then, after letting it cool down to room temperature, you put your tongue in the sludge. That's a good approximation of what happens when you enjoy Autocrat Coffee Syrup straight up.
But that's not really the manufacturer's fault. They want you to dilute their syrup with a wholesome effluent shot from the bottom of cows — milk.
When you do this, the nasty stuff darkens your milk from pure white to a pale brown reminiscent of what you get after letting your Cocoa Krispies overstay their welcome.
And the taste?
Not bad. Seriously, not bad. Moreover, it's distinctively not bad, thus explaining how an entire state of hundreds of people could get addicted to the stuff, thereby supporting a company called Autocrat Inc.
The syrup lends your milk an almost cloying sweetness tempered by a taste that conjures up both malt and coffee at the same time. It's easy to imagine slugging this stuff down while sitting at the desk, or watching the game — it's distinctively okay. And what if you added this syrup to coffee? You could enjoy the hot new taste of "coffee coffee." The potential is limited, but exciting nonetheless.
One coffee syrup mystery, however: it comes in an incredibly odd bottle. It's ribbed soft plastic, and features four little embossed singing birds sort of dancing around above the label. While a bird perched on the "o" of Autocrat may be the syrup's mascot, one has to ask — why a bird? Birds don't like coffee. They don't drink milk. You can't make a bird into either coffee, or milk. You can't milk a bird.
Guess we'll have to leave this one to Lincoln C. Almond.
— James Norton (jim@flakmag.com)
