"In Arizona... a defendant with an I.Q. of 65 or lower is presumed to be retarded. Above that, the defendant must prove that he is retarded."

— The New York Times, 6-24-01

SETTING: A Tuscon courtroom. A hearing is getting underway.

Judge Randolph Brown: Mr. Wilkie, the State of Arizona has brought you to this hearing today in order to determine whether you are, as you claim, retarded, and therefore ineligible to be executed for treason. Please state your full name, age, and the circumstances of your case.

Wilkie: I am William J. Wilkie, and I have been convicted of low treason for shipping confidential details about the Arizona State budget to confederates in Tennessee, who sought to use said details for a stock manipulation scheme. I was to partake in the profits of this scheme, to the tune of 5% of the gross intake.

Judge: And you claim to be retarded.

Wilkie: Oh yes, your Honor. Super retarded.

Judge: Your IQ test shows a score of 133, Mr. Wilkie.

Wilkie: I'm aware of that, and I can explain.

Judge: Please do.

Wilkie: So - I really blew the test. With my limited capabilities, I colored in a lot of circles at random, and got a result that's totally unrepresentative of my true capabilities.

Judge: Which are...?

Wilkie: Extremely limited, at best. It's amazing that I'm able to communicate with you this clearly. I think it's actually a minor miracle, and we should all pause and reflect upon that.

Judge: Thank you for that moment of grace, Mr. Wilkie. The law says that the mentally retarded are "unable to perform the tasks to function normally in society." Are you unable to perform said tasks?

Wilkie: Oh, yes, your honor. Check this out.

[Wilkie stands up, and walks into the witness stand, knocking the microphone over. He looks confused, and walks into it again.]

Judge: And...?

Wilkie: You want more?

Judge: Bumping into a witness stand is hardly a convincing display, Mr. Wilkie.

Wilkie: Speaking as a retarded person, I reject and resent your lack of understanding.

Judge: Mr. Wilkie, you're on thin ice. Do you have any other tangible proof of your supposed condition?

Wilkie: [places pile of legal briefs on head, watches vacantly as they slide off onto the floor]

Judge: You know, for someone supposedly so smart, these have been incredibly stupid attempts to demonstrate your condition.

Wilkie: Yes, Your Honor! Very stupid.

Judge: The court finds the prisoner to be an honorary retarded person, with all the social stigma and prejudice, but none of the benefits accrued by the genuinely retarded.

Wilkie: Well, it was worth a shot.

Judge: Yes. Court adjourned!