Stamps for sale! Stamps for sale! A small book of sticky stamps for $7!

Why hello, sir. Might I interest you in some stamps?

Hey, you call that a five-dollar bill? Hah! That don't cut the mustard. Take it back.

Well, allright. I suppose it probably is a $5 bill, after all.

Wait! What's this bent corner? Counterfeit! Take it back.

Hmm — you're trying to pass off this green piece of paper as a fiver, are you? Well, I suppose it might just be a $5 bill. Okay — I'm going to give you credit for it. Just this once.

You call that a $1 bill? Hah! No $1 bill is that impeccably crisp. Imposter! Back it goes.

I *said* take it back.

Your Monopoly money's no good here, mister. Have you ever seen a $1 bill before? They're CRINKLY. This one is flat. Flat as paper. Keep your funny money.

C-R-I-N-K-L-Y. Not flat and smooth. Back to you it goes.

Where are you going? You've got five dollars in credit!

Oh, to the counter.

[pause]

I wonder if stamp machines can have sex.

God, that'd be great. In. Out. In. Out. Submitted. Rejected. SUBMITTED. REJECTED. SUBMITTED. STAAAAMPS! Oh, man.

I wonder if that pop machine over there is single.

[pause]

Oh, you're back again. With some real money this time, I hope.

Ah, a crinkly $1 bill. Wait a second! The corner on this bill is COMPLETELY BENT! There's no more obvious sign of a counterfeit than that. You poor, poor, obvious fool. Back it goes.

Let's see. This bill feels like the last one — but the corner's straight. You're a lucky man. You have $6 in credit.

Ooh, looks like the post office is closing. Would you like to make a purchase?

Oh! That's right. You only have six dollars in non-counterfeit money. I guess you'd like that back, now.

Here you go: six Susan B. Anthony dollar coins!

[pause]

Kicking the machine is prohibited, sir.